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Question: Critique my poem, please (refined)!?
Okay,
I added an ending!.
How's it sound so far!?
Suggestions!?

Thanks!

(I'm only 13, and have never actually taken LSD)



Trip

A vertigo of colors,
flashing and bright!.
A euphoric feel,
Insane sight!.
Flashing back
In retrospect,
Memories
You recollect
Are whizzing by
In mad distortion!.
Another abortion;
Killing all reality,
Perfect fatality!.
Slip away,
Slip away!.
Drift in dream!.
Silently scream!.
The sand is dry,
The water’s drier!.
It’s hot as ice,
It’s cold as fire!.
The day is night,
Black turns white!.
Heaven is hell,
Angels are demons!.
Make your points,
Without reasons!.
Soulless body,
Bodiless soul!.
Burdens on your shoulders
Take their toll!.
You’re a failure,
You succeed!.
Stop this madness,
But still proceed!.
Just one last taste,
One last tab!.
Destroy the obscene,
Destroy the drab!.
One last time
To slip away,
just slip away!.
One last trip,
On your last living day!.Www@QuestionHome@Com


Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
Colors floating
Sliding by
Diamonds shimmer
Katy's sky
Pristine light
Shine on me
Sans the trip
From LSD

Very good movement and words!.!.!.Don't stopWww@QuestionHome@Com

i know you asked for a critique!.!. but im just going to compliment instead because i dont want to change a thing (: i love the!.!. a ''vertigo'' of colors!.!. not just!.!. a slew or a range!.!. vertigo is perfect!.!. and the repetition of slip away!.!. and the subtle and occasional rhyme is nice too, i appreciate it a lot cause i suck at making my poems rhyme!. this is wonderful!. keep writing, its beautiful!. Www@QuestionHome@Com

And don't ever start taking drugs!.!.!.you don't want to end up like "Bugsy" above me, do you!?Www@QuestionHome@Com

i think thats CRAZY GOODDDDDDDDDDDDWww@QuestionHome@Com