Question Home

Position:Home>Poetry> Critique for my poem please?


Question: Critique for my poem please!?
Lifeless

The steam on the windows begins to slowly dissipate,
Revealing the dark outside world, a harsh reality!.
A lone street lamp is the only light on our twisted bodies,
The shadows hiding the secrets we keep from another,
The ignorant truth that could break a heart or scar a mind!.
I stare into your eyes, searching for some remote connection!.
But your eyes, heavy and distant, contain a separate thought,
And burn right through me as if I’m only an obstacle!.
Wedged in the backseat, legs tangled in your lies,
I lean closer into your bare chest for warmth,
Only to find you are just as cold!.
I strain my ears for your heartbeat,
A sign of love, or life,
But I hear nothing,
Except the monotonous hum of the idling engine!.
You kiss my forehead with tight lips,
And I smile faintly,
Lying next to you, a lifeless corpse,
Who bruised my heart!.
Www@QuestionHome@Com


Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
This is very good! Some advice: I understand where you are trying to go by starting with long lines and letting them "dissipate!." This is a good tone-painting technique!. In doing so, however, I believe you have made the opening lines too long!. The risk is that the reader will become a little bogged down in the beginning and not finish it!. Why don't you try dropping "slowly" from line 1!. Line 3 could read "A lone street lamp lights our twisted bodies" (That is very good imagery, by the way!) Line 4: "the shadows of the secrets that we keep" and so on!. also (a really picky point) in line 17 "faintly smile" reads better!. These are small points I am making!. I don't want to detract from the fact that this is a very, very good poem and well worth the effort to revise!. Thanks for sharing it!.
Www@QuestionHome@Com

good poem, great imagery, interesting ending!. the shape of the poem is almost as though you planned it to go along with dying feelings!. it is true of men to believe that women are seen as an object but it is not true!. wonderful job!. keep writing, your almost there!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

How about "You bruised my heart" instead!. Very well done by the way, I like the train setting and if you could incorporate more of this duality I believe it would benefit the poem even more!. Good jobWww@QuestionHome@Com

Bravo!
I like the ending especially!. Www@QuestionHome@Com

Awesome poem! :-DWww@QuestionHome@Com

brava!Www@QuestionHome@Com