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Question: Need feedback on my poem!? please point out cliches!!?
i need feedback on my 'ode' poem, it is:
Ode to Smiles
Sparks of emotion that flood through my body,
energizing my thoughts to beauty of the world,
heaven comes down to earth,
sunlight pours into my heart,
Formidability, true pleasure,
like the first snowfall in the winter,
I feel tranquil!.
As though I were smoking the peace pipe,
Out goes my stress,
and I allow happiness to intoxicate my soul,
my thoughts wander away,
leaving me with stillness,
the beauty that I receive,
from every passing smile!.
Innocence is in my eyes,
as I do not understand my sudden ecstatic emotion,
I try to contemplate my thoughts,
and understand that,
every moment of happiness,
is the most amazing moment in my life,
it is my greatest addiction!.
PLEASEEE point out the cliches! or any thing wrong with the poem format, thankks you (L)Www@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
woah, far the best poem I've ever read, and I don't even read much poems, honestly!.
Makes me feel a bit more tranquil now every time I read it!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Some of the more obvious ones:
sparks of emotion
sunlight pours into my heart
first snowfall in winter
smoking the peace pipe
intoxicate my soul
the last paragraph is complete cliche:
Innocence is in my eyes,
as I do not understand my sudden ecstatic emotion,
I try to contemplate my thoughts,
and understand that,
every moment of happiness,
is the most amazing moment in my life,
it is my greatest addiction!.
What you need to do is make this more personal by relating specific things that happened!. It is all so general!.
It will be a better poem that way!.
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Erm, its too smart!. It doesn't feel real because you convey emotion in complex wording!. I didn't feel very much emotion!. But I thought "it is my greatest addiction" was a good line!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
not bad, but the "i feel tranquil" line seems a bit!.!.!. idk, unwieldyWww@QuestionHome@Com
There are only a few:
1!. Ode to Smiles (the title)
2!. Sparks of emotion
3!. flood through my body
4!. energizing my thoughts
5!. beauty of the world
6!. heaven comes down to earth
7!. sunlight pours into my heart
8!. like the first snowfall in the winter
9!. true pleasure
10!. I feel tranquil
11!. As though I were smoking the peace pipe
12!. intoxicate my soul
13!. my thoughts wander away
14!. the beauty that I receive,/from every passing smile
15!. Innocence is in my eyes
16!. sudden ecstatic emotion
17!. I try to contemplate my thoughts
18!. every moment of happiness,/is the most amazing moment in my life
19!. it is my greatest addiction
Other than that, I would say it is a pretty original work!.
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