Question Home

Position:Home>Poetry> Poem needing advice..PLEASE criticize.?


Question: Poem needing advice!.!.PLEASE criticize!.!?
Remembering the past
When they had it all
She didn't believe it could last
Tried so hard not to fall

But he held her hand, whispered in her ear
She tried to block him out
Pretended not to hear

Helplessly she watched herself
As she slipped away
But nothing mattered anymore
In his arms, she was here to stay

woke up one night she felt so alone
knew something wasn't right so picked up the phone

looking at her reflection,
she had forgotten her own name
she was losing herself
and she was to blame

Then she looked back,
you weren't there
she let all who she was
just disappear

Until someone else, comes her way
And she convinces herself, that she'll be ok

But he doesn't hold her the way you used to
And she doesn't love him the way she loved youWww@QuestionHome@Com


Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
If you are going to start with a pattern stick with it or change it on purpose!.!.!.I think Alfred is right in much but he may be taking us to a different conclusion!. I might suggest this to simulate your creativity

Remembering the past
When they had it all
believing it could last
Trying not to fall

Holding tight her hand,
Whispers in her ear
Trying to block him out
Pretending not to hear

Helpless, she watched her love
soul slipping, day by day
Was she a desperate dove
born to fly away!?

Mirror showing a face
That doesn’t have a name
A heart has been displaced
And she was to blame

Glancing back, you were gone
Looking everywhere
Now heart is turned to stone
She will disappear

When new love comes her way
Empty, hollow ring
Shadows of yesterday
He heart can not sing
Www@QuestionHome@Com

hhmmmm!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!. it does not seem that bad the only thing is it seems that the person in the peom seems to be angery at her self and everyhting but all and all this is a fantastic poem i loved reading it you have a talent so do not go and waste it please keep on writeing okayWww@QuestionHome@Com

Your effort seems to be mixing the present and the past, also from the second person to the first person!. The stanza's do seem to contradict one another!.

Might I suggest:-

She remembered the past
when they had it all!.
Could she make it last!?
but she knew it would fall!.

He tried to hold her hand,
to whisper in her ear
that their love would stand,
but she would not hear!.

Helpless she saw their love
slip quietly away!.
She had not been his dove,
and could no longer stay!.

Mirror's reflected someone else,
she forgot her name!.
She was lost, lost in herself
with only herself to blame!.

She looked for you far and near
you were not there!.
Oh that she to could disappear
to be found nowhere!.

Someone will come along one day
her love as it was for you!?
Convinced herself all will be ok,
this new love will be true!.


Ignore if you wish










Www@QuestionHome@Com