Another poem...honest oppinions please?

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Question:

i posted it on here a while back but rivised a little so honest opinions!.!.!.

every now and again a tear will fall
but other than that i am doing just fine
im staying strong like you asked me too
and i walk with my head held high

i take a deep breath, then let it back out
trying to take it day by day
i think how worse things could be
and decide i might just be okay

but the pain will never go away
and it's tearing me apart
if i could erase the memories of you
i would make a brand new start

but its not so easy to let go
of a love that was so true
and so i will wait for it forever
and hold on to the pieces of you

every now and again i let a tear fall
when thoughts of you slip in
but i can't forget like you asked me to
or try to love again
Www@QuestionHome@Com

Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:

I think you've got the makings of a good poem!. It is the right length and has the thoughts in it that convince of your sincerity!. It is mostly expressed in a way that invokes compassion for your dilemma, but some places could be more effective!. I suggest in line 5 omitting 'back', in line 7 adding 'much' after 'how', omitting 'just' in line 8, contracting 'i would' in line 12 to 'i'd', omitting 'so' in line 13, omitting 'and so' in line 15, consider adding in line 6 after 'pieces' the words 'i have left', and in line 19 change 'like' to 'as'!. Www@QuestionHome@Com

It's a beautiful poem!. Even if it does make me feel guilty about the relationships I've left behind!. You sound as dedicated as me!. How long has it been for you!? Www@QuestionHome@Com

I can feel every bit of that due to me own situation right now!.!.!.

Well done and keep writing!Www@QuestionHome@Com

that was very heart breaking and
very touching!.

i hope your prayers r answered

be happy =)Www@QuestionHome@Com