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Question: Critique!.!.!.yet again!.!.!.gf broke up with me!!?
Swing, swing, as we both sit upon the park swings,
I used to push to the sky so you could fly back to my arms,
But lately I've been pushing myself into a space
Of hate and pain that I can't back out of!.
A thousand roses scatter my bathroom floor as I extend my hand,
But there it is right in front of me!.!.!.no one is there!.
I'm not to sure if I should start to breathe or close my eyes,
I guess I will just make amends for just tonight!.
My heart you see is sailing out in the ocean of lust,
A forgotten heart that's left upon your shelve collecting dust!.
Maybe on Monday when we speak again you will see,
How much that you and your heart mean to me!.
But for now I will drink and will my glass up with posion,
A mother's hug still couldn't fix this pain!.
Heartache followed by a crack of heart break,
I should have known that you are all the same!.
I spread myself open on the 18th floor balcony,
To show you how much you mean to me,
But it always falls short ye I'm running out of space,
I hope you regret the fact that you let our love waste!.
It took the death of hope for me to let go,
Well now I'm hoping that you will learn to know,
Love is a game and we both cannot lose,
When are hearts are together, it doesn't matter who else is in the room!.
Swing Swing, as the sing set goes by,
A new pair I see staring in each others eyes,
I hope they know that this fuc*in wreck that they see,
Used to be there, swinging on that swing!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
Is there any way you could say this same thing in about half of the words!? I think just pare it down, the message is nice, bitter sweet and angry!.
But please rewrite so it is much shorter, you don't want to bore people if you are going to make this into a song (I'm assuming that's what you want to do since it is in the correct form for it) To the point would be better , but at least you are better than a lot of people out there in that you understand the word RHYMING!. Thank god!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Agree, shorten it down!.!.!. I guess cut off 2 or 3 stanzas if you're gonna make this into a song unless it's Rap (which is very unlikely!)
I think that a song must be in only a single mood!. I mean you combined calm sweetness with wrath!.
It's nice though!
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I agree a bit with the first answerer; you should shorten it down a bit!. Not to say, concise, but to a point where the poem is more of a lasting taste rather than a read!.
I also noticed that this poem conveys more vivid images than your previous ones!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Once again I am so sorry!. It was remarkable!. It flowed very nicely and the real emotion used is what makes it amazing!. Nice job and once again I am sorry and I hope things get better soon!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
AS ALWAYS I THINK ITS GENIUS MY FRIENDWww@QuestionHome@Com