11, do you like it?

Question: We had to write a poem for 9/11, do you like it!?

Here it is (not title at the moment):

Crying, anger and grief!.
We had a hard time finding relief!.

Heads hanging low, eyes red and puffy!.
Holding on to the times when we thought we were lucky!.

Hand in hand, we fight for respect!.
But all we get is pain and neglect!.

Through the rough times, they thought we were weak!.
Our brothers kept us strong, with out hearts at peak!.

Does it make sense!?
What should I change!?

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Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:

i loveeee it ! :] it is reallyy goood and nicee !Www@QuestionHome@Com

I'd have to know if it was coming from specific point of view!. Is it coming from a plain ol' American or a specific race, age, etc!? If it's coming from your typical American (no specifics) i don't understand the neglect part!. American rallied after 9/11!. every person of every background felt that pain, but I have to say, I never felt neglect!. It may have been the one time in the 2000's that everyone banded together and supported each other!. People who wouldn't even look at each other normally were holding one another, helping one another etc!. So while I'm not sure how to fix it, it just doesn't feel right somehow as it is!. the last two sentences are right on tho!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

does it need to rhyme, i think you should focus more on the seriousness and get away from the rhyming!. I think by just showing and letting true emotions flow you'd find it to be more sincere and you'd like it more!. I do like it, i just feel you don't need to rely on the rhymes, if its necessary then i have no complains on it really!.

Keep the main ideals, just use more symbol and similies or metaphors, some people might not feel close to it, or have lost anyone, you want to make it extremely relateable!. Good luck, sorry about my horrible spelling :)Www@QuestionHome@Com

"Our brothers kept us strong, with out hearts at peak!." maybe change the out to our!.!.
i liked it!. it brought tears to my eyes!. really!.
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This is amazing!. I love it!. This is really great!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

its good to remove neglect in but all we get is pain and neglectWww@QuestionHome@Com