Question Home

Position:Home>Poetry> I wrote this childrens poem, how does it look?

Question: I wrote this childrens poem, how does it look!?
Flowers grow and grass invades
The middle of the yard today
Bugs are flying round and round
Their buzzing is a lovely sound

Leaves are falling up into the trees
It's better than you could believe
And as a final touch why not
My friends are all up here to see it

In in the sun and in the sky
In the shade and in the light
In the treetops in the ground
In the nests and in the ant mounds

In my house and in my heart
In the day and in the dark
With the silence with the noise
What could be better than this morning!?

Why the beat and why the flow!?
Why the sleet and why the snow!?
Why the bite and why the wind!?
Why, when you can have nothing but this!?

Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
The phrasing is a little stilted but the biggest problem I have is the second verse; Leaves falling UP into the trees!?

also, what is the third line trying to say!? & what are your friends up here to see!?

You lost the rhythm in verse three!.
You lost the rhyme scheme in verses four and five!.

In the final line line what are are you saying 'this' is!?

Please don't think I am tearing you apart, I am trying to show where the poem falls short of what it could be!. There is promise there, keep at it!.Www@QuestionHome@Com