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Question: Comment on my poems!?
I have a few, if you'd like to read and comment!. please don't steal them!. =)
All the pieces fall to the floor
All the pieces shatter into more
How small the shards become
The life the shards come from
The quiet smashing no one hears
but so loudly reaches my ears
My eyes close
This is what i chose
I'll never make the same mistake
I wish that for everyone one's sake
No one will know
of the pain i would never show
and of the life i gave
but couldn't save

How dare you pretend to forget who I am
Pretend not to know that my thoughts break through the dam
And leave me here with tears running down my face
You run even though I'm too tired to chase
You make people stop and watch my pain
They don't know every face through my tears looks the same
The lyrics are running through my head like tears themselves
My heart's fallen from it's shelf
It's as sad as a music box's tune
I pray it will all be over soon
How could you forget the time that passed us by
We laughed , we cried, we sighed
The time we spent together
You know we cared for each other
I think I'm done!.
it's been months since we begun
I'm done with the fake smiles
If time were measured to fit how I'd feel I'd measure it in miles
I'm done with the emotionless wordplay
That just brings more pain than I can say
I'm done with the pain I relate to
And I'm sick of there being nothing I can do!.
I'm done
And I don't think I'll be back for more of the same!.
Because you don't care about my pain
You don't care if I'm lying here with tears staining the page
You don't care if you leave me here broken in my mind that traps me in it's cage
You don't care if I'm breathless with loss
My mind I cannot cross
Is just that you don't notice!?
Or didn't I show this!?
I think my heart is too afraid!.
A heart so cold you've made
I think you're the one to blame
For everything that came
I think you lost me forever
I think you're anything but clever
I think I'm finally sure
I wont be back for any more
So these are my words
I hope they hurt like the swing of a sword
And this is where I leave it
As you sit and read it!.

I stand on the edge and look over
but is it really my fault that i got here!?
just to look at the pain that they've caused me!?
what if i'd assumed it would make sense if i saw it all in front of me!?
I know i was wrong but did it make that little sense!?
If everything's meant to be broken,
where do our hearts come in!?
I can sit down and wrap my arms around me but i can't stop myself from falling apart!.
I stare at the city below,
what if i fall!?
Would i break!?
obviously!. But what if i don't want to!?
I just want everything back
every bit of innocence
is that so much to ask!?
but i'm stuck,
and i can't take the world that's over the edge!.

So there they are!.

Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
Your problem with writing is NOT how you write lyrics, because you are excellent at that, but how you align them, and connect them!.
I felt that each piece through out, was overly disconnected from one line to the next!.
I did read your entire second poem!!!!!
That's astonishing for me, because there are very few poems that are as long as #2 that I ever waste (or spend) my life reading!. This means to me, you have the ability to aim your verbal arrow, right at the core of the heart!. That is a must have capability in poetic expression!. So keep at it, and you'll become outstandingly better, as long as you learn!.

you are a good writter =)

and please answer mine:

they are amazing! Keep Writing!Www@QuestionHome@Com