Position:Home>Poetry> Could you please critique this new poem?
Question: Could you please critique this new poem!?
movement produces painful reaction
like life, it is cause and effect
natures design is a flawed experiment
that has failed due to a unseen concept
The Human condition
is a long term contradiction
the odds are against us from the moment we wake
from the first pitter patter our needs do not matter
and the key to existence always out of our reach
twisted creator, the judge and the juror
what purpose has brought us to this
if God is a truth, the religious so right
then God is just taking the piss!.
With each separate moment the brain becomes dormant
not a flicker of life nor a hint of relief
the plight almost futile the body so fragile
our answers mistaken for a profound belief
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Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
Really clever word play although the nature of the poem is very dark ruined it a little with the swearing though would have gone with miss i!.e did God see something we missed maybe
beautifully dark thoughWww@QuestionHome@Com
Not so much a poem as a stream of consciousness, Try writing instead, you're a bit wordy, poetry requires rather more ruthless editing than i think you're prepared to give it!. Check out Blake if you like a bit of godly bleakness!.Titles are no bad thing either, use them!.
Keep creating ! Www@QuestionHome@Com
I think the word "piss" spoils what is in essence a charming though naive piece of poetry!.
It reminds me of another piece by anon titled "Ode to a friend lost"Www@QuestionHome@Com
Excellent you have real talent!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
could b beta honest opinionWww@QuestionHome@Com
Really, really good!. You have an amazing talent here!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Wow, deep!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
You are a good writer !!Www@QuestionHome@Com
Rubbish!. You have no talent!. Too shallow!.
Critique your poem!? What's wrong with Could you give an opinion!?Www@QuestionHome@Com
Thanks!.!.!.I needed a reason to get up tomorrow !!!Www@QuestionHome@Com