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Will you consider my poem !?
Okay it's a supermarket car park
but it's my tarmac field of dreams
and when it rains the sodium light
The welcoming white lined box
for the area manager's visit
lays empty, guarded for Mr!. Bissit
he has no time to spare
his jokes are rare
Why do blondes like BMW's
because they can spell it
we have to laugh
no, we have to laugh!.
Inside in the dry bright store
All is peace, bogof's galore
no-one has left a shoulder of lamb
on the shelf for marmalade and jam
No-one has stolen just one egg
and left five and an empty seg
in the box!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
I love it!. I can see the parking lot in your first stanza!. I've felt like that in a parking lot before, when everyone's gone!. Magical!.
And the second stanza!. awesome!. I can feel Mr!. Bissets personality in that stanza!. Like he drops the joke while running yet another errand, exactly like you did in the poem!. You really nailed this one!.
And the last stanza!. Such wondrous particulars to describe that everything is as it should be, and ending with the words "in the box" which of course brings the reader back the the parking lot, back to the beginning!. What a great poem!. You didn't waste a word!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
No offence but it's terrible!. It feels jerky!. There is no smooth flow of words in the stanza's and it feels like you are just throwing anything in there as long as it rhymes!.
Try again, but concentrate on the story of the poem more and less on the random word rhyming!.
It's kind of what I call a "switchy" poem!. It seems as if it's switching from point to point!. No offense, but it seems as if it was written by an eleven year old!. Put some more feeling into it, and see what takes you from there!.
Good luck! :)Www@QuestionHome@Com
I loved it vigilant, you're a star!.Www@QuestionHome@Com