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Question: Is it a good poem or does it need help!?
I wrote this peom lat night is it good or does it still need work!?

The History of Your Eyes:
I can see the future and the past in your eyes
Your helplessness desires when you cry
Stand there and await
No one is going to come
I can see tomorrow brings sorrow
And the loaded gun isn't gonna solve any ones problems
Your tears bring down your face as fast as light travels all around us
Your bulimic problems makes you feel empty with no hope
Your crazy addition to heroine makes you feel sane when your with it but in reality you were fine with out it
So you stand there await
No one is going to come
I can see your past was a diaster
And when your mother left you as you fell backwards
Your suicidal note was out of hand and
the psychiatric unit wasn't really in your plan
I completely see your future and past through your eyes
Your helplessness desires when you cry
Stand there and await
No one is going to come
But you're the only one who can help yourself get past the loaded gun!Www@QuestionHome@Com


Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
let me help you!. first let's say you are on the outside somewhere and you are taking a photograph or a snapshot of this bulimic person!. You are just taking a photograph - but instead of a camera and film you use words!. A photograph doesn't read anything else into it like you are doing here!. It just takes a picture and the the reader forms the image in their mind!. You allow the reader to come up with the emotion as you take the photos of this person with your poetic camera!. it isn't an outpouring of YOUR emotions it is capturing the emotions of the other person like you capture the expression of a person in a snapshot!. Once you get this concept down your poetry will improve radically!.
Www@QuestionHome@Com

I THINK its beautiful, well written and thought out and sadly, meaningful - whoever this is about!.!.i feel very sad for them!.
very good job on the writing, keep itup!.


i'd like to add a quicky that relates to #1

a many bones is as i see you
hardly human in the eyes of the venue!.
the outside is weak
the inside is beat
a day closer to death
please come back to the rest
the mirror tells the truth
but your eyes, they hold the fruit
So close them tight
and just take a bite!.!.!.
one day at a time
you'll someday find
Your not alone
and you need more meat on your bone
just ask for the help
and all hands will go up
my dear friend
don't make this the end
wake up from this dream
and belt out a scream
tomorrow you must live
or some day soon the beats will give!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

I think it would sound better

I can see the future and past in your eyes
Your helpless desires when you cry
Standing there and waiting
but no one will come!.

I can see tomorrow brings sorrow
and the loaded gun leaves problems unsolved
your tears stream down your face like lightning
your bulimic problems leave you empty inside!.

Drugs make you feel sane
living in your own reality
But in reality
You'd be better off without them!.

You stand there and wait
but no one will come
the past cannot be undone
Your mother left you to fall!.

Your suicide note was in your hand
the psychiatric unit was not in your plan
I can see your future and past through your eyes
Your helpless desire when you cry
Standing there and waiting
but no one will come

Still you must put down the loaded gun!

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OK, so sorry that I completely rewrote your poem!. It needs puncuation too!. Take what you like from my slightly different rendition!. You have a great sense of imagery and a very poetic voice, but you need to work on the technical stuff like grammar and word choice!.Www@QuestionHome@Com