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Question: All opinions would be greatly appreciated!?
A Shack on Mary’s drive
On Mary’s Drive I dwell
Accompanied by few
To this day I’m the smallest shack
Mary’s drive has ever knew
Surrounding me are houses
Much bigger, much more strong
Their walls are covered in hard red brick
Material for which I long
They were shacks once long ago
This fact I know as true
Yet unlike me made out of tree
Received they materials new
Within those brick lined walls
Lies a group of their own breed
Families known as “the nation’s best”
Fill their homes with greed
A shack on Mary’s Drive
On Mary’s Drive I dwell
My walls are old and wooden
Far from an easy sell
With all these facts against me
I cannot help but grin
I’m much too old and tiny
Yet somehow I still win
Look past my broken hinges
Look through my window small
Deep within me, a group of three
They’ve close to nothing at all
As they look upon their neighbors
I look upon mine
We may not have those hard red bricks
But we’ll remain just fine
What we possess is FAMILY
And yes that is a wealth
We’ll stick together through the rain
Through sickness and through health
-ME- <33333
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Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
It really reminds me of Irish drinking songs (Mary Malone, Crooked Jack, et cetera)!. I like it a lot!.
There are some points in it where you try to squeeze too many syllables into the rhyme scheme, though!. For example, 'Deep within me, a group of three/ They've close to nothing at all'!. There's one too many syllables in the second line, but removing a word from the beginning of the line unbalances that whole line ('They've nothing at all' comes up short)!. I'd suggest changing the word 'nothing' to 'naught' or something like that!.
There's also "To this day I’m the smallest shack/Mary’s drive has ever knew"!. I won't keep messing with your poetry by suggesting corrections (it's not my place) but that's another little point of awkwardness!.
I'd suggest having someone who doesn't know the poem try to read it out loud, and keep track of where they stumble!. You might be missing the lines I'm talking about because you're too familiar with the material and you know the exact cadence required to shimmy around the awkward spots, but a pair of fresh eyes won't!. Www@QuestionHome@Com
A shack on Mary's Drive could be anywhere!. Great job! I know the feeling and I'm sure a lot of readers can relate !.!.Take careWww@QuestionHome@Com
omg omg omg omg thatz way tooo cool
u go girl - u rock - that is if u done that by urself -
and what is <3333Www@QuestionHome@Com