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Question: Opinions please! Be honest!!?
A Shack on Mary’s drive
On Mary’s Drive I dwell
Accompanied by few
To this day I’m the smallest shack
Mary’s drive has ever knew
Surrounding me are houses
Much bigger, much more strong
Their walls are covered in hard red brick
Material for which I long
They were shacks once long ago
This fact I know as true
Yet unlike me made out of tree
Received they materials new
Within those brick lined walls
Lies a group of their own breed
Families known as “the nation’s best”
Fill their homes with greed
A shack on Mary’s Drive
On Mary’s Drive I dwell
My walls are old and wooden
Far from an easy sell
With all these facts against me
I cannot help but grin
I’m much too old and tiny
Yet somehow I still win
Look past my broken hinges
Look through my window small
Deep within me, a group of three
They’ve close to nothing at all
As they look upon their neighbors
I look upon mine
We may not have those hard red bricks
But we’ll remain just fine
What we possess is FAMILY
And yes that is a wealth
We’ll stick together through the rain
Through sickness and through health
-ME- <33333
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Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
You clearly attack the material (your diction is scalding, especially "greed") and valorize community, but why can't people have both!? Does the pursuit of material wealth always come at the expense of human relationships!? Your message is black and white; enrich with gray!. also, you condemn the material pursuit, but the narrating shack apparently longs for material (see line 8)!. Isn't that contradictory!?
also, I think reassessing voice would do your message good!. Why do you channel your message through a "shack"!? I think that that diction is a little empty in more senses than one!. House has much more communal, familial connotations than "shack!." But even house, I don't think, really speaks to community!. Speak through a member of "FAMILY," not as the husk in which they are housed!.
I recommend that you check out T!.S!. Eliot's "The Waste Land" to inform your treatment of material abundance coupled with spiritual lack!. also, Gaston Bachelard's "The Poetics of Space" would enhance your treatment of "shack" and "house!." Bachelard analyzes the poetic significance of abodes in many forms, from houses to shells and nests!. Both of these texts, I think, would give you room to grow in (pun intended)!.
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VERY GOOD ! Really !.!.!.but I would only change the order of two words !.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.line 12 (Received and they)
I'd make it !.!.!.!.!.They receivedWww@QuestionHome@Com
I am no poet but I and I don't know the laws!.!.!.but I like the imagery Www@QuestionHome@Com
nice ^^ but fix some lines that I think the sentence is a bit weirdWww@QuestionHome@Com