Position:Home>Poetry> "Let me show you the universe," the young woman said."
Question: "Let me show you the universe," the young woman said!."
"Let me show you the universe," the young woman said!.
She opened her hand and a glowing ball of light
appeared in her palm
I leaned forward to look at it
and it expanded into
Lithium sunsets before my eyes
, later breaking up into black voids
Of glowing phosphorous
floating dust clouds
and brilliant speckles of light
that shone as clusters of stars!.
I loved the sights held before my eyes
But was startled by the noises
that appeared to come from outside
a rustle of leaves
A storm breeze
Unhindered
That woke me from my deep haze
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Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
I think you can make this better!. Right now it seems like some of the words you've used are there only because they're descriptive, and not because they're the best fit!. Try this: think about this poem very deeply!. Close your eyes and imagine a young woman showing you the universe!. What do you see!? How do you feel!? Record every single moment!. Then, come back to it a bit later and try to do some hard editing!.
If you want to stick with the senses, try to keep it to one sense (sight)!. If you want to add more sensory experience, allow for greater description for the others!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Very, very good!.
I'm not sure about the last line!.!.!.!.!.is haze the word you really want!? It means 'mist' or 'cloudiness' !.!.!.!.on second thoughts, perhaps it does fit!.
I was imagining that you meant something to do with sleep!.
Yep, I like this very much!.
Edit, why has your detractor got the same face as you (with closed eyes)!?Www@QuestionHome@Com
Stop being a douchebag, at least try!.Www@QuestionHome@Com