Position:Home>Poetry> Please give sum advice on this poem

There are some parts where the thought does not flow!. I copied from above and notated next to some verses!. also have to watch where you break the stanzas it suggests a different group of thoughts!. I cannot do that for you, as the original artist, it's an important way of conveying what you'd like to say!. The grouping tells the audience HOW you'd like us to think!.

Here I Go ----> What I'd would change has * next to them!.

I turn my head from all this hate
That the world seems to have made fate
*For me to endure
Never knowing what’s in store
*As for my tomorrow
*All I just know it will be sorrow

Should I turn on the news
I know I’ll get the blues
And I’m sure that when I drive to a friend’s
*There’s a car crash round the bends (won't change the meaning too much and due to friend's)

*Seems like I should just stay in my house
*But I would hear my neighbor beating the spouse
Nowhere can I escape (since the poem is somewhat centered on our protaganist using "I" would fit better)
From this assault, possession and rape

Cause when you’re from the same streets as me
It’s like all you can see
Is this everlasting pain
*That emasculates my brain (Use a different word!. Emasculate deals with manhood not brain)

*All that pain has become a cloud
*It has created a shroud
*Over my dissolution of right and wrong(shrouds go "over" things or "Covered" would work too)
But on my streets that makes you strong

*As a person this shroud(need to explain what) makes me weaker
*also makes my soul bleaker

*With every gunshot (the "because" doesn't reference to anything)
Every time I sell pot
Even when I sing my song
I can only long
For times long, long ago
Back when consciousness would flow
Down these red, red veins
*From when mercy seemed immovable in my being

Now even in my dreams
*I see gats gleam (what are you saying here!?)
--maybe I see guts gleam!? if so I'd use blood and guts--
I see people dead
*With my Glock pressed to some black man’s head (another seems too relational, using some would help with this stanza's theme)

****This following stanza doesn't make much sense****
And this has made me get caught
I figured that if I fought
If I sold
A better future would unfold
(What made you get caught, fought what!? sold what!? What does it have to do with your dream!? You also need to then connect to the next stanza)

But instead I find myself lost
Without realizing the cost
*These crimes would take from me
Now I realize that I am not free
Then I see that I have left behind
My once glorious righteous mind

A great man once said
*if you emancipate your head
*You would be free
*That to me
Sounds like the way to be

So I’m going to strive
To survive
This inevitably hard, hard life
And I’m going to search within this strife
For my own liberation
From this desperate situation

That would be my first revision, choose what you like, toss what you don't!. It seems like that you wanted to throw some "ghetto speak" in there!. If that's what you want to do, do it, just make it uniform though out the poem!. Nice work though, and if you change it a bit, it might even make a great rap song!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

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wow!. ok, that was really emo!.
but it was good, i guess!.
do you need advice on the poem or your life!?
maybe you should move to a different neighborhood or somethingWww@QuestionHome@Com

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tahst really long!.
it sounds more like a song, honestly!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

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Its not enough to have your poem rhyme, the rhythm and flow is much more important!. its alright though, just stick with itWww@QuestionHome@Com

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This poem was amazing but really emotional!. It's sad :/
You should try and get out of there,where you live!. Try to move!. Www@QuestionHome@Com

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Edit! Edit! and Edit again! Try cutting it down to the four most important words!. Is there a line that you could see as a refrain you'd like to return to between stanzas!? Get out of your own head and realize that at some point your reader is going to have to want to own your poem!. What do you have that you think they'll want!? Don't replay the last TV show you saw!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

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I love it!. You're really writing how you feel!. Even though it's sad, its the truth!. It describes what you, and so many others, are going through!.
I love the description and honesty!
I also applaud the ending!. "For my own liberation, from this desperate situation" was a wonderful statement!. I would love to hear more of your work!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

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honestly, i thought that poem was weak!. just because ur poem is long and rhymes doesnt make it good!. the only part that i thought had actual feeling was "Nowhere is there an escape, From this assault, possession and rape" other than that i just thought it was too boring and long!. i got some poems that i think have feeling!. if u wanna hear them or something just email me!. anybody can hear them if they wantWww@QuestionHome@Com

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Advice!? I don't think you need constructive feed back on your writing!. If this piece is your true life experience, you have had a long, hard struggle, and no one can write it, feel it, and/or explain it but you!. You did an excellent job!.

Writing is a relief, a putting down of feelings, past and present!. Your relief starts with the line !.!.!.A great man once said!.!.!. And yes, you do have to emancipate yourself from all the hurt to!.!.!. strive to survive!.

The reader wants to see growth or some sort of awaking!. In your work, I do feel emanacipation coming your way!.

Take Care and keep writing!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

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