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Question: Would you offer your suggestions on my poem about the 'human virus'!?
Super-Natural
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Bird on a blast of coke
Clear amid all the smoke
Our mutual gaze slows down time
Pass judgment on friend of foe
Ignorant to secrets you hide
Ignorance and bliss as you fly
Maturing our minds is a crime
When slapped and spat on from high
Curiosity sought evolution
Fungus offered solutions
Awareness, a gained compromise
Gave meaning to good and gruesome
Talk spheres to stick men on paper
Old man takes a child and rapes her
The victims are never the wise
Wake now or be put to sleep later
Empowered when blood is spilled
Demons confused with your guilt
Everything returning full circle
When identical life is built
Adolescent humanity grows
Respect and unity flows
Mother is eternally fertile
As only God and I knowWww@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
This is gorgeous!. Too often poetry is insubstantial-- it sounds good but doesn't really have anything behind it!. In the belly of this poem an uncommon power is stirring; clearly you recognized the weight that words can have!. You are eloquent!.
However, I feel like the last stanza turns around this piece too quickly!. I'd consider reworking it a little; don't kill it, but maybe ease from sadness to hope more gradually!. I dunno!. The point is, this is a wonderful poem!. The end!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
I love it ,but I agree with (and again!.) you might need to ease into the sudden mood uplift!. But great poem!. Www@QuestionHome@Com
SnoreWww@QuestionHome@Com