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Question: Please read my poem and give me your thoughts!
can you please read my poem and edit it please!!!! be harsh i won't get offended seriously!.!.!.i posted a poem similar to this yesterday but i'm trying two different versions!.!.!.!.!.so give me all of your thoughts!.!.!.!.and i'm 14 btw but don't let that change what you say
He sits across from me
A table separating the space between us
I try to pay attention to a conversation
With no meaning to me
But my gaze returns back to him
I study every contour of his face
Amazed at his reactions
To words unheard
I am immersed in him
Savoring every moment we have together
For I know they won’t last long
Soon lost in one of my fantasies
I imagine the passionate kiss we would share
But I snap back into reality
Knowing in my heart
That it was only a wish
He turns his head
Now facing me
His blue eyes twinkle
As he smiles at me
And turns away again
I bite my lips
Trying to hold back the grin
Threatening to escape
My heart is jumping for joy
Thinking that there might be a chance
After all
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Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
At first i was like "okay, another poem about a crush"
but then when i read it, it was actually really good, especially the ending!. I think everyone can relate to that sort of feeling (in the last paragraph)!.
I love how it's free verse, and even though it doesn't rhyme, it flows so well that sounds better that way!.
the only thing i found to criticize about was the "blue eyes twinkle" line!. It reminds me of Dumbledore from Harry Potter (he's always described as having "twinkling blue eyes")Www@QuestionHome@Com
this is similar to a song i know u copied some verses out of that song i don't give u credit for something some artist has wrote -_-Www@QuestionHome@Com
wow that is trulyamazing!.!.!. keep up the amazing work!!! You rock! It has a great plot to it!.!.!. It is very realistic!.!.!.!. Most girls think of that or do that even, when they have a crush!!!!Www@QuestionHome@Com
That's an awesome poem! I totally understand where you're coming from!. I'm 14 too!. I would sugget if you ever lengthen it, kiss him!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Oh wow!.
Thoughts like this make girls have babies when their 15!.
jk
But personally it's romantic but I don't see it as a poem!.
More like a short story!. Www@QuestionHome@Com
i'm not gana edit anything because it is really beautiful, i love poems about high school crushes lol good poem :)Www@QuestionHome@Com
omg i love it!! i think there r some parts that could be better but i have no idea how to make it better so it must be pretty good!. lolWww@QuestionHome@Com
THAT`S NOT A POEM! A POEM RHYMES!.!Www@QuestionHome@Com
Wow! It's amazing!. I really like itWww@QuestionHome@Com
U SURE ITS YOURS!.!.!.!.BCOZ ITS SO GOOD!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
I wouldnt change a thing about it my dear! Great job! This boy must be very lucky ;-) take care!Www@QuestionHome@Com
personally, i like it!. sounds like its from da heart en where better to starWww@QuestionHome@Com
Hi Jojo,
Here’s a quick edit (not saying it’s the best) but I hope it gives you some ideas on how to tighten this!. Here goes:
A table separates the space between us
Our conversation holds no meaning
I study every contour of his face
I am immersed in him
Savoring every moment
I know it won’t last long
I imagine the passionate kiss we would share
But I snap back into reality
Knowing it was only a wish
I bite my lip
Trying to hold back the grin
Threatening to escape
My heart jumping
There might be a chance
After all
There’s still some imagery you could add in here, but it’s a good start!. If I cut something I felt it was unneeded or something you could rephrase to make stronger!. I hope it helps!. In the end, it’s just my opinion!.
Todd
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it's a good poem nice little crush to write about!.
but not being mean or anything i prefer poems with a bit more meaning in them another side to them!.
I did higher english so writing 8 paged answers on one poet you kinda feel that poets express themselves by choosing the right words not the words that spring into mind!. so if you could make the poem more meaningful and personal rather than a descriptive story it'd be cool,
but honestly well done it takes a lot to do that!.Www@QuestionHome@Com