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Question: Poem!.!.!.A surfers Dream Wave!.!.!.critique please
My dear we drove for hours to make it to the coast,
But it just rained all the time and our feelings grew like smoke,
I'm trapped inside a hurricane which is building in my mind,
I am not to sure what it is, but I've got to leave it behind!.

If I wrap my heart around your neck will it bring you death!?
I hope not because if it does I will have nothing left!.
DO you feel the sand as it pours through your lungs,
I do, I can feel our love just beginning to come undone!.

I suppose when it does we will be a free wind,
Which will cast it's air upon a thousand lonely man!.
I have been in situations that I would rather forget,
But I can tell you this, not one of them I will ever regret!.

You make me smile even when the breeze is freeing!.
I'm surfing the waves of lust with a board that's not easy!.
My house of the shore is as empty as the great ocean,
I'm trying to see you but I'm stuck here in devotion!.

A heart like mine doesn't deserve your unstable smile,
I don't if your coming or your on your way by!.
But all I can honestly say is that if you spend the night,
We will travel down this coastline!.




ThanksWww@QuestionHome@Com


Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
i love literary analysis!

i like your use of metaphor and imagery!. you have good structure im too lazy to find out if its iambic or what but its good and it works well!. i like how DO stands out *cant remember what thats called* i like the ceasura it adds to the meaning in my opinion!.

i noticed that in the last stanza the second line the first "your" should be you're!. and i would get rid of "all" in the 2cd to last line of the last stanza to make it shorter and the line flow more!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

Great job, this is a really deep poem!. I can tell you put your heart and time into it! Don't stop writing, it paints a vivid picture, great job!Www@QuestionHome@Com