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Question: Feedback on a poem I've written!?
Could you please tell me your opinions on this poem!?
James
We spin with spring and tumble with fall
Lock our troubles behind oak clad doors
Lift up the clouds with silk sodden hands
Swim in the ocean then rest on golden sands
The rush of our dreams collide with reality
Childhood sweethearts and teenage calamities
Living so freely, so together, we fly
Weightless and mobile, high in our sky
Jungles and Outback’s and cities and seas
Those were our journeys, our stories, our keys
Laughter and chatter carried us along
It’s back out there you and me belong
Now I’m alone, lost in my armchair
Life never seems to treat us fair
Do you still play all of our games!?
I miss you, my baby James
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Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
I really love that poem, because of how descriptive you were, but you were still able to bring a flow and rhythm, not to mention rhyme as well! The only critique is the last line, because it just doesn't seem to fit right!. The poem is very deep and emotional, and then when you use the term 'baby', although I know what you were trying to do, it just doesn't sound right!. Maybe try:
"Now I’m alone, lost in my armchair;
life never seems to treat us fair
Do you still play all of our games!?
I miss you, oh my darling James
or
I miss you, oh my dear James"
Again, it is really fantastic, so keep writing!.
Hope I could be of help!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
nice flow, easy to read, the statement is clear
two small comments, (1) "and",,, possibly find a way to use the word "and" even less, joining by use of commas !?
Opening line, " We spin with spring and tumble with fall " this could just as easily be 'We spin with spring, tumble with fall' where the two thoughts are joined with a nicer rhythm
(2) the final line seems flat and slightly out of sync with the rest of the work
very nice read though!.
Www@QuestionHome@Com
I like your poem!. Some things look better in a dream than reality!. Because reality can bring your self esteem and confidence back 10 feet!. dreams is what keep a person striving to make and succeed!. Dreams keep you sane and happy!. dreams keeps you pitting your best foot forward even when reality slap you in the face!. I thought you poem was well put!. I give you an A+!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
That was such a great poem!!- I think it's beautiful!! And the rhyming part is great because it fits in with the poem and it rhymes- great job!Www@QuestionHome@Com
yea it's good i would fiddle with the last verse it kind of looses it's pattern maybe just chair other than armchair, it could just be me great poem either way!Www@QuestionHome@Com
Beautiful!.!. I really liked itWww@QuestionHome@Com
dream does not colloide with reality!.ADD some humuor!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Down to earth!.!.!.!.don't you just love it guys!?! xWww@QuestionHome@Com