Position:Home>Poetry> Can I get an honest opinion on my poem?
Question: Can I get an honest opinion on my poem!?
Frozen with fear
The blast what I hear
The Bullet rips
Blows me away
I will not see the light of day
There I lay
My blood spilled
The tires screech
My painful defeat
I look up to the sky
Wonder why
Never to know
Who took my life
Death encroaches
I feel the dread
The regrets in my life
There'll be no end
I rot in the ground
Feeling nothing
Maggots digest
It's a matter of time
Before they eat the rest
I see the light
Shining ever so
I release my spirit
Wherever it will go
In a place
without sunshine
First disgrace
Is all mine
Bones and rot
All that's left
Who would have known about my death!?
Forgotten over the years
No one sheds a tear
Silence is my punishment
For the hericies I committ
Victim of timing
Death Eternal
Putting me down
Such an easy task
For those who hide
Behind their wicked mask
Satan out to get me
He seeks my soul
Life is slipping
I lose control
Mortality my weakness
Immortality my gain
I slip into a place
With only pain
Fire and Brimstone
Burns the skin
I roast in the flames
For all my sinWww@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
You have talent my friend!.
I can feel it!.
It's emotion filled and I'm drawn to finish reading it!.
Do you have any more!? I suggest making a folder and start to collect the various works you've done!. Who knows, you may decide to publish it one day! (Which I reccommend)
Stephen King submitted his work 27 times before it was finally published!. (I heard somewhere) Whatever happens, don't give up!. =)Www@QuestionHome@Com
Honestly, I like it!. It's not very cryptic; a lot of poems are sometimes too enigmatic for me to decipher!. However, I would suggest splitting the poem in two, between the
"I see the light
Shining ever so
I release my spirit
Wherever it will go"
part and the one that follows it!. Seems like a different tone is introduced, one less straightforward, more speculative!. Just my opinion, though =]Www@QuestionHome@Com
Alright, now that's a poem!. I can tell some of these phrases came easy and smooth to you by listening to the music, some of this is awesome and smooth to read!.
The line "Life is slipping" - i thought life was already over at that point; being as though "bones and rot, all that's left"!. Just revise where you think you need to; i could be wrong and just understand things differently!. Enjoyable for me!.
is it a story about a soilder in siberia!? =)Www@QuestionHome@Com
I thought it was good!. Even though you switched thoughts (by which I mean un-punctuated sentences, lol) often, it was not difficult to follow!.
Though the way this is written, it seems like you die twice (because you talk about the afterlife and then return to dying)!. ^^Www@QuestionHome@Com
WOW WOW WOW WOW
Honestly that was great, even if it didnt rhyme it would still be awesome!
GOSH! --- Congrats on the AWESOME poem!
xox Jen xoxWww@QuestionHome@Com
that was deep!. i liked it, though i think you should cut out the part from " i rot" to " the rest"Www@QuestionHome@Com
wow i really like the last verse !.!.!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
ahhhh not bad, it's nicely written, try and work on the flow in your future poems
Mortality my weakness
Immortality my gain
I slip into a place
With only pain
Stuff like that just sounds like a series of facts you are stating!.!.!.!.It reads very!.!.!.!.stale!. You obviously are new to poetry and have yet to develop the "poetic flow" as in your lines should seep into each other beautiful!.!.!.!.!.im sure you will get it soon enough though!. Good luck!.Www@QuestionHome@Com