I need some more input on this poem.?

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Question:

Yeah I just chose the best answer but am again in need of reposting, this is part of an english assignment and I need feedback, ideas, anything you have to offer!. Even interpretations!. It's part of an Online course final Thank you!

She walked away with nothing left
Broken, beaten
Heart, shattered like plate-glass!.
She wanders helplessly
She's alone, no one's there

Entering into a hell like abyss
She feels as though shes dreaming
Sauntering, falling
She freezes within the fire
No words, no sound, she's alone

Leaving a hellish nightmare
She escapes to the unknown
Her blind eyes scream in silence
Pleading, threatening, longing to escape
A world with no regrets

She continues on
Never looking back
The fear controlling her every thought
Her heart controlling her every move
She knows no different

She continues to follow the enemy
Around and 'round, until she falls onto the ground
In that final moment, She'll finally see
The only enemy she had
Was me!.

BreeAnna Bodkin
(Copyrigh 2008)Www@QuestionHome@Com

Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:

That's really good!. ^_^

I think you should move Heart in the first stanza up a line (so it's "beaten heart, shattered like glass"), or add a comma after beaten and remove the one after heart (so it's "broken, beaten, heart shattered like glass")!. As it is, that part is hard to follow!.

also, I think you should not use "hell like" and then "hellish!." I'd suggest you keep "hellish" for "abyss" and find another word for nightmare!. Maybe something like dreadful, infernal, or wicked!.

I noticed you used a couple of periods, but for the most part didn't!. You should try to make it more consistent!. Either use a period at the end of every sentence, or just don't use them at all!. I think this particular poem could work either way!.

I like how you didn't use any rhyming until "see" and "me!."

Good luck with your assignment!. ^^Www@QuestionHome@Com