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Question: This is my newest poem tell me what you think and what could be improved if any!?
Death Note
This is for what I wasn’t able to do
This is for you
Your are my inspiration
You are my wings that soar over nations

Gaining a new friend each year has been amazing
But this year kept my heart blazing
New experiences and new stories
It’s what you and our friends inspire me to each my glory

But now I’m not so sure cutting me down inch by inch
It’s his curse that makes me flinch
Depression walks by my side
But when I’m near my love I stand with pride

But there’s more to the story more than just romance
There’s true friends and true family when where all together I believe we have a chance
We are all distant and I wish we are close
Now I think of my end and show myself as a ghost

Traveling through walls giving signals and signs
Showing you I’m here being more than a person showing you I’m kind
Now that I’m dead I realized my mistake
I still can’t talk to you and I still cry but I won’t wake

Laying here in the sky looking down at our friends
As much as it pains me my heart still isn’t cleansed
Years go bye everyone has aged
But you still make me feel like I was released from my cageWww@QuestionHome@Com


Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
Chuck,

There are some questions I would like to pose to you about this great epic of humility!. As a top contributor, I will pay strict attention to detail, so I hope you're not offended! The 'This is for you' line is very morbid and I changed it on my rewrite below!. If this person was so great for your psyche, then why couldn't you give yourself a reason to live for her!? In some of your stanzas, your train of thought is muddled because you became a "slave to the rhyme" and it knocked the rhythm totally off track! You mixed up your storyline a bit, because if you died, why are you still mentioning things as if you were still alive!? You also rhyme plurals with singular nouns and sometimes it works, but other times it seems you where reaching for the matching word!. And the ending isn't how you want to be remembered in memory is it!? It needs a different ending!.
Grade B -

DEATH LETTER TO MY LOVE
This is to you
This is something I wasn’t able to do
With a little persuasion
You were my wings that soared over nations

Gaining new friends each year was amazing
It kept the beats in my heart blazing
New experiences and stories
You and our friends inspired me each day was a glory

Suddenly I wasn't sure I fell inch by inch
A fearful curse that made my bones flinch
A deep dark depression walked by my side
Next to your love, I fought it with pride

But there’s more to the story than just a romance
There’s true friends and family -
I believed I had a chance
We all were so distant, I wished we stayed close
I hid my tragic end now you can't see my ghost

I travelled through walls giving signals and signs
I'm a screaming apparition
It's like your deaf dumb and blind
Now that I’m dead I realized my mistake
I just can't believe that I made my own fate

I search through the skies looking down at our friends
As much as it hurts me my heart isn’t cleansed
The years go by and all I have is a view
I just dream of my life and my love shared with you!.!.!.

Now that's a fitting ending! Thanks for sharing!.!.!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

i like itWww@QuestionHome@Com

I like your point!. You've got a good idea and you have chosen a nice words to say it!.!.!.but I don't really like the structure!.!.!.it's very messy in rhytmical sense!.!.!.try somewhow to make almost equal the number of silables of the verses, so it may sound better!.!.!.cuzz now some of them are too short, some of them too long and in some placese the rhime can be lost while reading!.!.!.
A really like it, but I think you should try to fix it up a bit in a rhytmical wayWww@QuestionHome@Com