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Question: My Poem!.!.!.!.Opinions please!?
Suffocation
You are always there,
Smothering me, Choking me,
My lungs, they scream for air,
Tears stream down my cheeks!.
You are like a plastic bag,
Forever on my head,
My hands tied behind my back,
Unable to break free!.
You stuff it down my throat,
going farther everyday,
You love to watch the colors,
That appear when I can't breath!.
To you it's like a rainbow,
The blue,the purple, the red,
Watching me try to breath,
It gives you some sick fix!.
It's becoming ever frequent,
Everytime that you come near,
You point and laugh in my face,
As i wriggle and writh in pain!.
My only hope in life,
One day you'll go too far,
Forgetting to pull it off,
Leaving me permanently breathless!.
-Kara-Www@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
Ms!. Silent Anger,
This work is very brash and brutally honest and shakes the fears inside of our human psyche of this type of dominant crime!. It ain't a poem for Mom and Dad to read, that's for sure! The graphical nature is very vivid in detail and the imagination haunting to a 't'!. It took me to the scene of the crime as if I was trapped and helpless, watching the victim suffer and powerless to stop it! Even though I don't approve of the subject matter, it still was an awesome rendering with the twist of a somewhat happy ending!.!.!. your work will set the world on the edge of it's seat! Grade AA+Www@QuestionHome@Com
My only suggestions is "wiggle and writh" Its redundant!. Maybe stick with writh, but add something in place of wiggle!. I enjoyed the imagery though, ver dramatic!. I would have enjoyed it more if it rhymed, its just set up that way, since your first stanza rhymes, but that's it!. Stay StrongWww@QuestionHome@Com
i think it sends quiet a message, and has a wonderful idea!. i like it, altho its a bit dark, but that just adds to the poetic atmosphere!Www@QuestionHome@Com
i kinda like it but no offense its like too!.!.!.!.!.!.dark for me!. but i like the!.!.!.!.!.!.passion behind it!. you could go far!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
I like it, but I think that it's almost childish!. It's good at a low level, you know!? I think that you have a good idea and good emotion behind this, but you can do better!. Like the image of a plastic bag is good, but it's not sophisticated, and it just isn't as heavy an image for the situation your portraying!. Instead of a plastic bag, have something more intense to imply that this person is suffocating you!. Like I said, it's a good poem, it just needs more!. A little push or something!. The emotion it just under the surface!. I know how you feel, but I don't feel it!. I think you should use more sophisticated descriptions, and add more words!. Like instead of "tears stream down my cheeks", you could say, "My tears escape the torture, falling into small cracks between the floor"!. This is almost a good poem, it's got everything there and it almost makes the reader sympathetic, but it's just short of it all!. You can make it better, and you can make us think, "Wow, that's really good"!. I think you just need better language, more description, and almost intensify the poem!. Give us an image that we can be afraid of, one that will make us sad!. Just a little push, and we're over the edge!.Www@QuestionHome@Com