Position:Home>Poetry> Untitled poem(critique please)?
Question: Untitled poem(critique please)!?
The time came to say goodbye
The curse took you away
Light or dark
It doesn’t matter no more
The sun shines
I believe its you
You’re always around
You’re the silent song
The one I can’t get out of my head
You filled me with hope
Now it’s just a shadow
Of the things that could have been
Nights go upswept
You’re just a memory now
Soon it will fade
I look up at the twilight sky then I wonder why
There’s nothing for me there
I sit and listen
To the night air
All I hear is my weeping
For you and me
For the things that could have been
Do you even remember me!?
Do you even care!?
When you went
A piece of me did too
I’m trying to live without you
Can’t help but miss you
I’m waiting for your silent melody
To drift away the loss of you
I wait for you at our table
But you’re gone
I wanted to tell you what went wrong
Why’d you go!?
We could have had it all
Now it’s just me
Sitting here and weeping
My eyes turn cold
I’m all alone
No one to hold
No one to loveWww@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
You did write it!? wow!.!.!.!.it just flows so gracefully and each line seeps into the next so poetically!. It posseses such poetic grace in all it's beauty!.
I wait for you at our table
But you’re gone
I wanted to tell you what went wrong
Why’d you go!?
We could have had it all
Now it’s just me
Lines like that evoke so much mystery and emotion, I almost have no clue what it means, just the beauty of your words pulls me in it is irrelevent!. The choise of words just floored me!. This poem is a pure work of art that takes the reader on a journey they will never forget *cough*
1/10Www@QuestionHome@Com
It's okay I like urban poets better!. Like def poetry jam poems but this one is okay to me!. it seems like it's lacking feeling it flow but drags at the same time in my eyes!. Try going to you tube and looking at Def poetry it will give you some real good idea!. Give you more feeling to your poems and help them not drag!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
It's very heartfelt!.
Try to avoid overused lines like When you went a piece of me did too!.
http://answers!.yahoo!.com/question/index;!.!.!.
^^^Please comment mine!Www@QuestionHome@Com
It makes me feel sad!. So if that is what you were trying to do, then it is very good!. Always right what you feel!. Don't always care what others think!. This is pretty good!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Very interesting work, strong and passionate!. Had you considered breaking this into stanzas!? It might have even more punch!. Keep writing!Www@QuestionHome@Com
the silent songWww@QuestionHome@Com
You must have an amazing soul, because your words speak to me when reading your poem!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
wow from 1 poet 2 another, ur poem is BEAUTIFUL!!!!Www@QuestionHome@Com
Very moving and real!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
that is really good!. beautiful rythm, and flows very well!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
did you step into my soul!?!?!? amazing words!.!.!.things i cant put into words yet!.!.!.i am rocking!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Lovely, universal meaning behind the poem!.
As a simple critique I would suggest editing for punctuation and mechanics (I tell everybody that--not that I'm a English professor or anything but punctuation is necessary for the reader)!. As you edit for punctuation you'll notice the rhythm change and word adjustments will come naturally as your line structures change!.
also, L4 has a double negative--maybe change to "It does not matter anymore"!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Wow- it's amazing!. It flows beautifully and it's so powerful- even though I haven't a clue what it means :)
You asked for critique, but I could only find one thing that didnt seem quite right- the fourth line 'It doesn't matter no more'
I'm not sure whats wrong with it but it doesn't quite seem to work- I think either 'It don't matter no more' or 'It doesn't matter anymore' fit better!. Sorry- I don't know why but thats just my opinion :)
Other than that tiny weeny bit, seriously its fantastic!.
Keep it up and good luck! Rachel :)Www@QuestionHome@Com