Question Home

Position:Home>Poetry> Another poem, but unfinished. Is it good?


Question: Another poem, but unfinished!. Is it good!?
I
I stand by the murmuring sea
As it sleeps to the gentle breeze
The sun drifts low in a ruddy pool
Sinking below a shimmering line
The horizon being so smooth and fine

II
And lo! The velvet vault appears
Finely adorned with diamond glints
And o’er the silent grayish pool;
Is the nighttime sky that gleams
Bringing upon my drowsy dreams

III
I get swallowed by a whirling mist
A fog not descending from the skies
But arising from my own thoughts
It closes upon my dim figure
A small patch on the dream ridden shore

(to be continued!.!.!.)Www@QuestionHome@Com


Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
The three unrhymed lines followed by a couplet isn't working!.!.!.it was a good experiment, but your ear, as well as some of the comments above, should confirm what you might have already suspected!.!.!.it doesn't work very well!. You might get away with adding a line between the first and second that rhymes with the couplets, or by adding a line to the very beginning that rhymes with the couplets!.!.!.if you really want to end with couplets!. also, stanza three's slant rhyme is too weak to even pass as a rhyme when seen next to the previous two stanza's perfect rhymes!. Recommendation: rework it using a different rhyme scheme!.!.!.but keep the images the same!.!.!.they have a nice story line and the images are actually pretty good!.!.!.it's just the form that hurt you this time!.

!.!.!.!.and keep writingWww@QuestionHome@Com

coooooooooooooooooooooooooolWww@QuestionHome@Com

i got into so much your words made me tired -enjoyed gjWww@QuestionHome@Com

oh, i can relate!.!.!. was in that situation a week ago!.!.!.

nicely said!Www@QuestionHome@Com

i gusse its ok!.Www@QuestionHome@Com