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Question: Which poem would you prefer!?
I wrote these both just now!. All my topics are gloomy because when I write about something happy is sounds too childish!. They're pretty much the same!. The first is rougher and it doesn't rhyme!. It was the first copy!. I then decided to rhyme it so it was changed slightly!.



First:

your heart was torn
the love no more
you stay secluded for a while
you think it will just go away
your position: lying
your discomfort: truth
it all seems ironic
yet your discomfort hits again
the book you hold is of course a romance
you ponder on the decision of reading or not
if you read you will be filled with similar thoughts of others
if you don't you will be left with your own thoughts, they're worse
in consciousness the book seems just like your life
you start to believe it's a joke
this is all humor to you
your laugh is high pitched
it is all silenced after a moment
you come back to reality
back to your dreaded book
back to your position
back to your discomfort
back to your life-long journeyWww@QuestionHome@Com


Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
In the second poem you lost content at the expense of action!. I could feel the person in the first one because you were calm and in control; but in the second one you seemed intense, maybe even lashing out!. Stay with who you are, keep the first!. I KNOW that's you, because when you are calm you are in control!.

!.!.!. 8 claps and a well done!., oh and I stood up too!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

In the second one, you seem to be forcing the rhymes a little too much!. like the "Down-file" line!.!.!. It just doesnt make sense!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

I like the second one better!. In the middle part you use better adjectives and are more descriptive!. Both are good though!.!.!.Www@QuestionHome@Com