Position:Home>Poetry> A quick freeverse-Not quite final-Your thoughts appreciated?

This thought is simply beautiful: I want me to have something when I lay in dirt, a coherent memory forever imbedded; not just in family!. I want to have haunted the corridors of minds!.

I love this piece!. The ONLY critique I might offer you is in the manner in which you have presented it!. I would uncapitalize the first letter of each line and write it exactly as you were thinking it and with some punctuation for pause and completion of your thoughts!. These are beautiful thoughts and expressions and you want to afford the reader the best chance at being able to understand and absorb what you have written!. Sometimes!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.the way a piece is written out, makes all the difference in how it is perceived and understood!. The sentiment and images are simply marvelous but I get confused in places wondering where to stop the thoughts and move onto others!. Punctuation would really benefit this piece!. Here's what it would look like punctuated: (if I am understanding the piece correctly)

I want my time,
that litttle piece,
a grain of fame;
a miniscule pinpoint
in sundrenched eyes!.
The faltering path
leaves it eluded
by my own hand!.
Relentless procrastination,
chasing rainbows
of mock illusion,
I am handed rejection
the stingy kind
salting the existing!.
Let me grasp it
in my overworked hands
before I die,
a piece of me
left behind,
not just DNA!.
It may be selfish,
fame is fickle;
I need to store it
jar it - see it brighten,
illuminate me
as I press into cushions
filled with frustration!.
As seconds fall by,
let me shine!.
This fleeting thing
that I chase, in circles,
I want it!. I want me
to have meant something
when I lay in dirt,
a coherent memory
forever embedded
not just in family;
I want to have haunted
the corridors of minds!.
A piece of my pen
left behind,
a splinter in time!.
I want it;
I cannot help it!.
Can I have it!?
Touch its greatness,
one time!.


The more I read it, the more beautiful it becomes!. It's great work!Www@QuestionHome@Com

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Something that I think all of us can relate to
even if we deny it
we really want to have left a bit of only ourselves
an impression that will be cherished by at least a few,
that will last indefinitely when we are no longer!.
Not just a moment of fame but a burning memory of what we stood for and what we believed!.

or am i just being foolish!?Www@QuestionHome@Com

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You want fries with that!?

Before you get famous become grounded, learn to love yourself and build up a supportive group who will back you no matter what!. "Pride comes before a fall"
If that is your dream, chase it!. Make it happen!. As Mom of 2 says be aware of what may lie ahead if it does happen!.

Great format - well expresed!. Good luck in the future!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

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You do have fame!.
Right here on Y!A!.

Anyway what do you need fame for!?
I just saw the ugliest picture of Jennifer Lopez and her hubby chowing down at a restaurant!.

That must suck to have people all in your life!.

Being followed all the time!.
Stalked!.
gossiped about!.
lied on!.
Tabloids suck!.
Poor famous people!

But your poem is amazing, and I felt the yearning in your lyrics!. A++Www@QuestionHome@Com

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Words sent out, with trust, into the universe live forever!. You may never know the ones who will remember what you say for all their lives!. You may never hear their praises!. I suspect that's part of the Author's burden!.
This poem touched me!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

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I do hope your wish becomes true, it seems to me well deserved, just don't give up under stress, you never know what the future may bring--who knows fame could just be a part of it!! I am hoping it will for you!! Cheers!!Www@QuestionHome@Com

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Well said and honest too!. We all wish to leave something and of fame, will we be able to handle if given that wish!? My compliments!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

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I know it's cliche' but!.!.!.!.careful what you ask for!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

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