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Question: May I invite you to this poem!?
I stand on a platform
Scented with urine and steam
Waiting for my train
My day, not the greatest
My energy depleted
Like a shadow
I seek a crevice to hide
Staring at the tracks
I see a rat's balancing act
On the third rail
They say this city never sleeps
Sleep is what I want
More than even a graffiti scarred train
But a warbled announcement
Perhaps from Charlie brown's teacher
Tells me neither will come soon
My train will be late
Sleep will rest a bit longer
My rat circus makes a curtain call
As I stand on a platform
Scented with urine and steamWww@QuestionHome@Com


Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
Done well, the feelings exude from the words!. My daughter often encounters the same on the rails of Chicago!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

Great work! I love the sensory imagery and the fact that you use concrete reality!. I think you can make it more "poetic" by removing some of the more prosaic areas, such as "I see" and "I seek!." Just let the images speak for themselves!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

As the rat might say "life stinks, who'd wanna be a human!?

Stifling platforms stink of humanity and aging technology!. Forget the fuel-burning cars, it's the subway per-fumes choking the populus!.

Brilliant word picture Semper - did the rat get many green bills in his hat!? "Stingy humans"!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

yes i like that,its good,i like reading different writing,tired of waiting,keep it up,well done!.i like how your top 2 lines and your bottom 2,match,finish what you started!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

I would hyphenate 'graffiti scarred' (graffiti-scarred)!. Not as bad as it seemed it was going to be!. Interesting!. You have been 'Ianoed'!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

Subways are not my favorite way to travel!.!.!.too long on Boston's T!.!.the red line!. Your fine descriptive power is evident here!.
The allusion to Charlie Brown's teacher warbling is brilliant!Www@QuestionHome@Com

You can tell a story!. Your poetry is awesome!.

look at mine!? http://answers!.yahoo!.com/question/index;!.!.!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

Commute can be a b--ch!. Did it - by car and rail!. I think the rail was worse!. It was longer and colder - but at least - I could get in a cat nap - if my car neighbors looked safe ;-) ?Www@QuestionHome@Com

Very visual
I could envision myself standing invisible beside you
with the stench and filth surrounded us!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

Love this one , lots of imagination with the rat, the train, just really like it and an easy read to boot!! Cheers!!Www@QuestionHome@Com

Very vivid, uncomfortable city scene!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

Beautiful!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

Thank you for sharing!.!.!.!.I really enjoyed that- what vivid imagery! :)Www@QuestionHome@Com

"Hi!",
You expressed your feelings well!.

WELL DONE!

Cheers :)Www@QuestionHome@Com

WOW!!!

You are a poet, my friend!. Keep writing like this and you will be on 60 Minutes!!!

It's excellent!!Www@QuestionHome@Com