Position:Home>Poetry> Would you mind if I changed mine?
Question: Would you mind if I changed mine!?
Gun Shy Kisses-(+)-
#6
A woman from the next street
caught my eye
she glared at me
ill favored purpose burning in her stare
Shoving the map to Kay
safely away
I walked
to escape her looks
and found
that foul eyes follow
She wore the countenance
of one like me
A killer
A thief
No real rate
save her talents in death…
-The original twist I had planned may be a tad trite… so, here, in this part, I am attempting to shift it… but do not worry, it will have the same essence… only more twisted…
Blessed Be in Changing Ones’ Mind, SirenWww@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
I like the use of the "extra" words like - "she glared at me"!. You are telling a story, creating a scene and trying to set the tone of your characters!. Sometimes the etiquette of poetry (like cutting out extra words) does not apply!. I like the piece as written ?Www@QuestionHome@Com
Hi Siren,
Here are some paring suggestions for you to consider, do what you will:
A woman on the next street
caught my eye
ill favored purpose burning in her stare
Shoving the map
safely away
I tried
to evade her gaze
She wore the countenance
of one like me
A killer
A thief
No real rate (wasn't sure what this means)
save her talents in death…
So, a few minor suggestions!. I'm interested to see how this turns out!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
You're always welcome to change your mind!. I think I know the twist you were planning, but remain unsure!. Whoever these eyes are following here!. I'm suspecting something along the lines of a false contract!.!.!.and someone in reality is being sent to kill dear Charlotte!. So, is Kay a farce, or does she actually exist!?Www@QuestionHome@Com
Is the huntress becoming the hunted!? I am confused at this "twist" of fate!. This is telling of how our seductress/assassin feels about herself!. That makes her more vulnerable!. And softens her around the edges!. All very interesting!. Thank you!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Todd is always right!. You can make this more poetic, but, it is a cool story!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Now there are two assassins or did I get something wrong here!? Cheers !!Www@QuestionHome@Com