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Question: Critique My Poem: A Bank Teller Name Crystal!?
When I went to the bank
My heart throbbed
My heart beat fast
When I saw a teller!
Whose name is crystal
Standing behind window glass
When I wanted to get some money
She was sweeter than honey
When I deposited some cash
I got a transaction so fast
With a beautiful smile
And radiance on the face
Who is she!?
Her name as you guessed!
Cheerful Crystal!Www@QuestionHome@Com


Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
I would make the first line "My chest throbbed" just to avoid using the word "heart" twice!.

also, in the future, either rhyme or don't!. lines 3 & 6, then lines 7&8 and 9&10!. It is kind of distracting when you see rhymes and then don't see them!. It makes you wonder if you misread or are missing the rhyming scheme!. Then you spend time trying to find the rhymes instead of enjoying the poem!.

If you weren't trying to rhyme at all that's cool but it did distract me when I read it!.

Oh, and you already told us her name was Crystal so why did you ask who she was at the end!? That didn't make sense to me!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

For some reason I felt like there was a underlying sex vibe going on there--But then again I am perverted

It was an ok poemWww@QuestionHome@Com