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Question: Depressing poem i wrote!?
A cup full of poison
or a black widow bite

a knife in my heart
would be just right

a heart full of sorrow
and a mind filled with fright

a tired young body
awake at night

a book without words
and a world without light



does it need some work or is it fine!?!?!?Www@QuestionHome@Com


Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
Nice poem!. :]

It sounds like something that would be in an MCR song!Www@QuestionHome@Com

I really like it!.

I want to tell you though these lines here:

a book without words
and a world without light

Are Brilliant!

This is not a knock on your other lines, but these ones stand out!. They are excellent!. I think your poem is good as it stands, but I think the last two stanzas actually are your best (with the final one as I've said being the best)!.

I think if you want the poem though to feel done you may want to invert the last two stanzas!. My thought is by moving from objects to a person you acheive a sense of closure!.

A cup full of poison
or a black widow bite

a knife in my heart
would be just right

a heart full of sorrow
and a mind filled with fright

a book without words
and a world without light

a tired young body
awake at night


That's all I've got (use what works for you, ignore what doesn't)!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

In my opinion, this needs one more expression, looping back around to the first thought!. Something like this:

"a sip from the cup,
an end to this flight!."

Feel free to steal it!. A lawyer would cost 100 times what the poem might make!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

Depressing!? Yeah! It sounds like the pits!.

Such sorrow
no hope for tomorrow!.

The pain you feel
is enough to kill!.

Will you sell your soul
for a painful woe!?

Redemption is near
if you will hear

Rejoicing sounds
from the Master!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

It seems fine to me!.!.
You leave it they way you want it!.!.
No one should have to fix what you wrote!.!.!.
If you like it the way it is then leave it the way it is!.!.!.!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

the only thing worse is indifference!. It is already mine I have memorized it!. I will keep it safe, I promise!. Can I sue someone for stealing my heart!?Www@QuestionHome@Com

It is fine, but needs some sort of conclusion, perhaps only one more couplet!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

It IS depressing!.!.!.guess that is what you are going for, so yeah, you got it!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

i think it's beautiful!Www@QuestionHome@Com

it's pretty good
you're right it is depressing :(Www@QuestionHome@Com

An utterly good-looking girl
And my jeans feel so tightWww@QuestionHome@Com

wow, its very well writtenWww@QuestionHome@Com