Position:Home>Poetry> What do you all think of this one and what should I call it?
Question: What do you all think of this one and what should I call it!?
the sound of heaven spoke to me I thought
clear and crisp like a sweet waterfall in my ear
taunting me with familiar words that intoxicated my senses
I prayed for penance
the sound became a lie
thats when my heart began to die
but still I followed in desperation like a pathetic admiration for the beauty of her soul, for love! I didnt know
with this voice now ringing in my ears my sanity became unclear
my soul darkened as I reached for the light but the door closed and the voice died and I began to cry
so now I say goodbye and float away down this river of pain
isolation became my way
then I froze, cold and insane
alone and dead
my life is in shreads
hey thanks againWww@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
Title Ideas:
The Sound of Heaven
Life Without You (I know, random, but I am a random person)
Alone
Death
Why does it rhyme in some places and not in others!? You should have a rhyme pattern, like abcb or something, not all different!. Not many people pray for penance-- penance is a punishment!. And why would you say they sounded like a sweet waterfall if they are taunting you!? And stay in either present or past tense, unless they are reminiscing or something!.
Here is my revised version:
The voice of heaven speaks to me
Crisp and clear like crunching leaves
Taunting and intoxicating with honeyed words
On that haunting, daunting eve!.
I ask for atonement
As the sounds become lies
I plead for forgiveness
When my heart starts to die!.
Still I followed in desperation
For the beauty of her soul
With a puppy's admiration
For her, for love; I didn't know!.
I stumble 'cross the plains
With voices ringing in my ear
Floating away down a river of pain
As my thoughts become unclear!.
My soul darkens, reaching for light
The door closes and the voice dies
All of a sudden I'm enveloped in black
Sighing, I start to cry, muttering my last goodbyes!.
As I travel this sinking path
Isolation becomes my way
Winding here and winding there
I freeze, insane, here to stay!.
Here I am
Alone and dead
Thinking to myself
How my life is in shreds!.
Good poem idea though, very powerful! Hope this helps!Www@QuestionHome@Com
Why do you leave massive gaps between your lines!?Www@QuestionHome@Com