How can i improve my short poem?

Question: How can i improve my short poem!?

I don’t want to close my eyes
And imagine I’m here with you
Sure it hurts a lot less
But it’s just a false pretense

Keeping my eyes open
Keeps my mind shut
And closing my mind
Keeps me out of this rut

Insomnia is the best way
To face the facts
And day alone
cant comprehend
my solemn toneWww@QuestionHome@Com

Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:

Hi, I have a suggestion, only for your consideration, no offense meant in the least!. I have rearranged your words a little to make the poem read better!.

I can't close my eyes,
I'll imagine I'm with you!.
It hurts so much less,
But false pretense just makes me blue!.

Forcing my eyes open,
Puts my mind to rest!.
Keeping unhappy memories,
From weighing on my chest!.

With insomnia I face the night,
By day, I remain alone!.
The facts, I try to comprehend,
But I carry a solemn tone!.

Hope this helps in some way, if not, please disregard!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

Perhaps a verse about why the someone is out of your life!.

And a big MAYBE, change the second to last line to "to comprehend" or "I can't comprehend!."

Your opening verse not rhyming makes the other verses seem like you forced the rhymes!.

Don't get me wrong it's a good poem, but you asked how to improve it and that is what I see!. Keep fooling with it it took me three months to get one poem the way I wanted it!. It was worth the time!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

many young writers, such as yourself, struggle with word choice!. diction is the key to a great poem!. what you have here is only an image, there is no depth, no "life" to this piece!. work on the meaning!. it's a bit scatter-brained right now, but it's only a draft!. i usually go through 10+ drafts before i am to perform a piece for a show!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

you should write my name all over it!. Instant classicWww@QuestionHome@Com