"The Facade of Contention!.!.!.!.!.!.!." ; Could you please take a look at this older poem!?
Have you ever listened
to the rain outside your world
it symbolises questions
of an ever growing swirl
always getting closer
the sound so din
encompassing your hedge
a violent rage within
you feel it
you hear it
but sight is lost
darkness all around you
as you glide through the dross
life outside your mindset is howling and wet
but comfort saturates, you don't feel the rest
we all save ourselves, from the weather outside
we subjugate the feelings, but we wear them with pride
conscience prevents scope
and the will prevents escape
nothing can happen
we tempted no fate
time and monotonous
our lives become the plan
all within the bubble of our denomination
Silver Tongue
(Copyright ? Geoffrey Brett - 19/04/2008)
http://silvertongue2008!.blogspot!.com/Www@QuestionHome@Com
I like your poem, it has a good message and it carries the reader along beautifully until "our lives become the plan": the next sentence brings it to a screeching halt to me!. It seems there should be another thought or two in between the two sentences!. It doesn't finish the poem out well, sorry, just my opinion!. Still like the poem though!. Thanks for sharing!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Geoff, you lost me at "encompassing your hedge" I'm afraid, but just because this isn't my bag that doesn't mean there aren't thousands who love'll it, of course!. Good luck to you!Www@QuestionHome@Com
This moves well, has a clear message, and has its arresting moments, but I'd look at the following:
(1) Change the title!. It's pretentious and off-putting!. If your allegory can't get the message across by itself, then the poem's failed!.
(2) Watch out for the prosaic let-downs: "encompassing your hedge" is a failure of tone, and that last line is a clumping non-event!.
(3) Does it bother you that "the sound so din" and "time and monotonous" are both examples of incorrect syntax!? It bothered me, in that they detracted from my appreciation of the piece!.
There's the basis of a smart poem here!.Www@QuestionHome@Com