Position:Home>Poetry> Another Random Poem. I posted it before but i kinda edited it how does it sound
Question: Another Random Poem!. I posted it before but i kinda edited it how does it sound now!?
The Night!.
By Monisha Holmes
I remember the night of my 13th year well
I remember it was night and I had the knife to my chest
I felt the cold steel blade pointing me in the chest
Crying tears of confusion, sadness, anger, and love!.
Screaming and begging for love and just a simple hug!.
Just to get nothing but hate in return!.
Not thinking about how it could effect the future
Yet knowing it could never bring any thing but misfortune!.
I scream out words of nothing but regret!.
Just remembering that night over and over again in my mind
Dreaming of a family portrait
Yet those dreams are shattered
Getting nothing but people saying they love me
But when I cry they are never around
When I need a hero
I end up getting nothing but tears
And that will never go away
I remembering that night when I was only 7
Crying yet again like fate had planned for me to live in woe
I tried to kill myself
Yet this night was not as loud it was quiet
Nothing but tears of sadness confusion anger
And love praying to my dearest daddy god for help
Yet it was never given only tears
And hate has been given to this girl!.
I remember where and what I was doing the night of when I was 12
Outside crying in the moonlight writing my poem wanted
Crying for I have given up on believing in god
Believing he was nothing but a made up story
Though here I am writing this to say my father god did answer
And help me when I first asked for it!.
For I have tried to kill myself
Over and over again
I guess you can say it's because I want attention
But that’s not it
It has been because god I have over come everything,
And am still here!.
Yet before I depart I leave you with a question
Why do I love the night!?
When all is have ever brought me
Was woe
Sadness
Anger
Tears
Death
And
Confusion!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
I think the poem is good, but could be much better, if I could make a few suggestions!? In the form is is now it is more prose, than poetry, which is fine!. But it is also repetitive, which throws off the reader when they are interested in the story and they have to read the same things over!. The chronolgical order is off, if you are going to speak of age, start with either the youngest and go to the oldest, or vice versa!. Basically, the poem is good, just needs a little tweaking to get it shaped up!. Read it aloud to hear the little nuances that need fixing!.
These are only my opinion, no offense meant!. Thanks for sharing!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
It's a good poem yet very sad!. You have a talent of writing yet you should try to use it in a good way- writing of joyous times of lifting peoples spirits!. Talk about life, light, love not of dark, angry, and death!. Your father god says "the pen is mightier than the sword"!. He gave you this talent to lift peoples spirits- I am sure of that!. Good luck in the future with your career!.!.!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
If that where to be the question maybe because the night made u feel that way helping u learn things and have more knowledge about yourself!.!.!.!.the poem was very!.!.!.expeirencial and fluent and it kept me going!.!.!.good job!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
use beter vocab and sentence structureWww@QuestionHome@Com
KEEP UP THE WRITIN DONT GIVE UP!!!!!!Www@QuestionHome@Com
I bothered to read this one, since you didn't have a dreadful "valley girl" start, and it's quite good!. That's a very strong opening which captured my interest, but then it does lose focus and slide around a bit!. Remember what it is you're trying to say all the way through a poem and it will help you focus and say it - and don't use imagery like "Dreaming of a family portrait" merely because it sounds good!. It doesn't fit here, and it's wasted ammunition!. You might want to capitalise the word God since He usually deserves that nicety!.
Keep going!.Www@QuestionHome@Com