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Question: Here is both a poem I wrote, and a philosophical conundrum!. Advice regarding either would be appreciated!.!?
The poem below is an attempt to make sense of the difference between pure energy, in its many forms; and that which is somehow more than that; this thing/process we call “living”!. It is about a man, named Ed, who, for reasons you may arbitrarily insert, is walking out of a grove near a farm, and happens upon his death via whatever means you fancy!. It is also about everything else that exists, which does not supposedly share the “life-force” that differentiated Ed from such things as stones or empty space or black holes or rusty lug nuts atop stacks of waffles or even warts!. Ed is the “creature” to which the speaker in my poem refers!. The “cosmic dust” is meant to imply the things that energy (being matter) has come to form and instantiate!. The speaker of the poem is wondering if there really is a difference, fundamentally, ethereally, or otherwise, between the seemingly different entities that together form the whole of everything we believe exists; and those things which humansWww@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
I enjoyed this poem!. It is quite droll!. However, your parenthetical digressions are far too frequent, relative to their relevance to the author!. I understand why you do this: you should read Byron's Don Juan to see how he turned a difficult rhyme scheme into a spur for tightly motivated digressions, which actually drove along the plot!. Your chatty style is more bemused than his, but I think Byron also illustrates the standards for grammar in prosey verse, to which you do not quite adhere!.
Your conundrum was relatively popular for poets to treat in the Victorian era, and the Edwardian period too to an extent!. After the Great War, pessimism about science had increased to the point that fewer poets found these topics interesting; the death of the Victorian tradition of amateurism also had something to do with this!. The contemporary novelist A!.S!. Byatt has a cute little poem in her novel Possession that asks a similar question to yours:
And is love then more
Than the kick galvanic
Or the thundering roar
of Ash volcanic
Belched from some crater
Or earth-fire within!?
Are we automata
or Angel-kin!?
The purported author in the novel was Mr Ash, a fictional Victorian gentleman; the fourth line is a pun on his name!. Likewise, Tennyson's great poem In Memoriam included quite a bit of speculation along the lines you are pursuing!. There was also a poem by someone titled something like, some number of milligrams, which somebody had mismeasured to be the weight of a soul-- apparently by weighing `Ed' before and after his peculiar disaster!. Unfortunately I forget anything else about it!. I really do enjoy your flippant tone, however: in this way you show yourself to be quite contemporary!.
also, was `lawn' in the third stanza meant to be a microbiology pun!? If so, jolly good show!. Work on the rhyme, metre, grammar, and focus; if you can maintain the flow, I congratulate you for showing yourself consistently able to write medium length poems of comely proportion!. This is an uncommon and above average gift!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
The substance is goodWww@QuestionHome@Com
I think with the tight editing, you can get the substance into a form that is more powerful; the impact will linger whereas the feeling now is prose -- you have what you need to work with!. Good writing!.
T!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
I really liked that!.!.!.it made me think!! Keep writing you're great at it =]Www@QuestionHome@Com