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Question: Any constructive advice for my poem!?
this is one of the many poems i just came across that i wrote like 5 years ago and totally forgot about!.!.!.!.
he sees her walking to the door
and he knows exactly what's in store
if she walks out on him right now
she won't be his anymore
so he says to her "if you come back
I'll try to make up for things I lack"
but she's heard it all before
so she slips away into the black
to him i say "it's done and through
she's no longer into you
she's moved on to someone else
and someone else belongs to you
suddenly, she's not so sad
comparing all the Have's to Had's
she knows that she came out on top
but she'll always care for you a tad"
she says "now, more than ever
i realize my rights and wrongs
the where I do's and where I dont's
in terms of the where I belong's"Www@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
Hello,
Here is some hopefully constructive criticism!. You are using some poetry 'tricks' but you are not using your own imagery!. Every word must come from your feeling and idea of it, not from the common meaning associated with it!. Be more personal, you are not scratching deep enough into your thoughts and feelings!. This is more of a song than a poem!. Make it complete by either adding actual music to it or, if you want to make it poetry, by creating this music and rhythm through your own words!.
As an example, 'so she slips away into the black'!. It sounds like you selected 'black' because it rhymes with 'lack'!. But the idea is that you select your idea of black, your own word, your own world!. Black falls flat, dig into your feeling, go deeper, much deeper until you reach the perfect word for your thought, feeling, image, impression!. The rhyms will appear to you, they will come from within you, not from a rhyming dictionary!. Please go on, I'm sure it will be worthwhile!. Thank you for your writing!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
When I read this poem, I sang it in a smooth country kind of way!. I like this poem, even though I question:
Where is your captilazation, and puncutation!?
This poem made me feel giddy!. I felt this poem was more of song, than a poem!.
I give this an
Old Country 6!.9Www@QuestionHome@Com