| Question Home |
Position:Home>Poetry> Do you like my song/poem? I call it "Can you"?Question: Do you like my song/poem!? I call it "Can you"!? I can cut myself and still manage to smile,
I can sprinkle salt on my open wounds and take it for a while, I can stab myself with a knife and watch it go right through, Can you !? I can cut off my neck, And spit on your face before I die, I can drink my own blood to survive, Can you !? I can take all your insults and keep them inside, I will be smiling when I die, I can stay locked up inside my room for days, With no one to talk to, Can you!? By: Anti ChristWww@QuestionHome@Com Best Answer - Chosen by Asker: Anti Christ, I can handle a knife but I would not use it to take a life You should talk to someone about what is depressing you do it now before you are gone!. You don't know if no one will talk if you don't!. I can see cutting one self accidentally but to do it intentionally The second paragraph will depend on how quickly one perishesWww@QuestionHome@Com That's a disgusting and pessimistic poem!. And for crying out loud make up a proper profile name and picture- if you think it looks cool it doesn't- it's quite disgusting!. Work on your morality!.Www@QuestionHome@Com when was the last time you smiled!? you need help!. go do what you say you are going to do, and then come back and let us know how it worked out!.Www@QuestionHome@Com i like it!. its deep and so full of emotion that its emotionless!.!. i say a 10! i missed you while i was out of town (: hope whatever is going on with you, gets settled im here to talk!.!.always xoxoWww@QuestionHome@Com !.!.!.!.anti christ!?!?!?!?!? no offense but the song sounds like your emo!.!.!.!.Www@QuestionHome@Com it is AMAZING ! and dont let any hater tell you its not ! the vocabulary is just perfect ! you're talented !Www@QuestionHome@Com Nope can't say that i do!.Www@QuestionHome@Com its amazing! i can give u12/10Www@QuestionHome@Com Wow, very creative to be certain!. I think poem is a better choice for this than song though, given that it's so short and it lacks chorus, (though it has the Can You refrain perfect for poetry)!. I think it forces the reader to address an element in their nature that most people don't care to recognize within themselves!. It's macabre, much like Poe's work was, but doesn't reach quite that level of eloquence or flow!. That being said, however, much of today's contemporary poetry reading crowd prefers exactly this type of open verse style!. Critique: Fix the line where you say "I can cut off my neck, and spit on your face before I die," because unlike the rest of the claims you make in your poem, that one simply isn't true!. Even if you were just exaggerating to make your point, it causes you to lose credibility with your message in that it is the only place you make a claim that can't even potentially be true!. Cutting off the neck implies decapitation, and after having rendered yourself so, you of course would not actually be able to spit in one's face!. I suggest you change the line to something like this: " I can slit my own throat, and spit in your face before I die!." That way, you keep the potency of your message stronger because facts are more difficult for your reader to deny!. Once you've established credibility, as you do in the rest of your lines, you will leave the reader no choice but to face the context within which you place them, and they will be left facing the question, Can you!? By answering that question, whether we like the message being sent or not, we will invariably grow from the experience!. Last bit of advice, change the title!. The can you refrain speaks for itself, and by titling it using the same words you most often repeat in your poem you risk redundancy, and also, poems' titles are most effective if they sum up or paraphrase the message you are trying to send, or the meaning!. Ask yourself, what do I want my reader to learn, or feel, or experience after they read my poem!? Whatever the answer to that question is, ought to be your title!. Try it, and I'll bet you find that your new title really helps your poem come full circle by its end!. It's not exactly mainstream writing, but then, what great works ever really are!? PS, keep posting your works here!Www@QuestionHome@Com |