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Question: Are proverbs all they are cracked up to be!?
What Are You Waiting For !?
Oh wouldn’t life be so great
If all good came to those who wait
If Job like patience was all that’s required
We could all possess all we desired
Just look how often we all are late
The effort it takes to procrastinate
The time spent saying instead of doing
Waste hours of rewinds and reviewing
Plans laid out with good intent
With timeless youth march on hell bent
No effort put in not a finger did we lift
Fools believing there would still be a gift
Maybe I’ll just sit won’t do a thing
Open my hand and find the brass ring
I know it sounds like a very poor plan
Another gaping hole an empty proverb of man
It’s no ones fault we all sat and waited
With palms outstretched with our breath baited
Maybe next time instead we won’t
But what if all bad comes to those who don’t
?rad042102Www@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
Give me a second to work it out!.!.!. in any case flows fine and is well writtenWww@QuestionHome@Com
nice feelings!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Clever poem!. There are a few things that I see just on the first read!.
Line 8:
"Waste hours of rewinds and reviewing"
Not parallel!. You should change it to:
Waste hours of rewinds and reviews
or
Waste hours of rewinding and reviewing!.
Line 10:
Perhaps this is just confusion on my part, but I think it should be:
While timeless youth march on hell bent
Line 11:
"No effort put in not a finger did we lift"
Not parallel, though not so bad that you couldn't write it off as poetic intent!. Anyway, it should be:
No effort did we put in, not a finger did we lift
or
No effort put in, not a finger lifted
Line 13:
"Maybe I’ll just sit won’t do a thing"
Easy change:
Maybe I'll just sit, not do a thing
(Not really sure on the exact grammar, but this way sounds better!.)
Line 18:
"With palms outstretched with our breath baited"
You really need to work on understanding parallelism!. You can change this to:
With our palms outstretched with our breath baited
or remove the second "with our" so that the first applies to both palms and breath:
With our palms outstretched, breath baited
also, you may want to add some punctuation!!! Just because it is poetry doesn't mean you don't have to use periods and commas!. The same rules apply as with regular writing with the possible exception of the addition of a comma to the end of every line!.
Edit:
"I guess you missed the part about proverbs not being all they are cracked up to be!.
While I appreciate the time and effort you spent on critiquing the piece, my thoughts were more about the folly of proverbs!.
"also- I am very much guilty of writing as it comes with little regard for adhering to any poetic rules or concepts!."
I don't know why you think I missed the first part, perhaps you are referring to the line:
"Waste hours of rewinds and reviewing"
and stating that you won't spend time correcting the grammar because it seems like a waste!. I would simply not agree with you there!.
Maybe you think I missed it because I didn't include it in noting the lines!? I imagined the first two lines were titles to the poem!.
But, I can assure you that I understood the meaning of the poem!. It is a somewhat satirical piece about procrastination, perfection, and waiting, the theme of which is that all those things are bad!. Though, I would take this opportunity to ask about the "brass ring!." Is there some significance to it!? Personally, I'm not familiar with a proverb that includes a ring if there is one!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
At the risk of being the messenger killed!.!.!.the "brass ring" is not a proverb, it's a cliche colloquialism that originated with the practice of giving free rides on the Merry-Go-Round to those who could grab the brass ring from the chute!. A proverb is a "usually pithy and familiar statement expressing an observation or principle generally accepted as wise or true", such as, "waste not, want not", "a rolling stone gathers no moss", "birds of a feather flock together" or "don't put the cart before the horse", and a biblical proverb would be, "physician, heal thyself!." This differs from the brass ring concept because the brass ring, or "going for the brass ring" does not express an observation, it makes reference to a practice and infers another connotation!. Splitting hairs!? not really, because poetry is about nuance and context!. It is one thing to disregard the "rules" of poetry (whose rules are more guides than actual "rules"), it's another to misunderstand the nature of poetry, and that is to use those small differences in meaning to create parallels of thought, to distinguish subtle differences in two images placed side by side!.
That said, your poem suffers from a few awkward word orders and a few forced rhymes!. If you want uneven beats in your lines, that's your call, but a contrived line is a contrived line, regardless of rules!. If you put poetry out for comment, it is often better to just listen to the comment and not make comments about the comments!.!.!.doing so only discourages others from making comments of their own!. If you're already an expert in the field, then you don't need comments from amateurs in YA, and if you simply want to post your poem to share, simply say, "here's a poem for your reading pleasure, don't bother offering critcism, it's unwelcome!." If, however, you want to solicit the most input, you simply allow reviewers to post what they think and pick and choose from what you get for replies!. You'll get some that are 'way out there', but you'll also get a few grains amongst all the chaff!.!.!.and it's up to you to either use the advice, or disregard it!.!.!.just don't shoot the messenger!.
!.!.!.and keep writingWww@QuestionHome@Com