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Question: Please critique this poem!?!?
YES, this IS a repost!. First post!.!.!.I got three answers, and NO criticism!. Not quite what I had in mind, so if you could harshly criticize it this time, that would be fantastic!. :P Still searching for a title, but here it is:
So dark, the ocean's black silence,
Devours my sight, dimmed by the cold!.
I must live to become balanced,
By the cruel waters of your soul!.
Blind, I've struggled to mount these waves,
White caps tainted by death's colours!.
Scared to submit to this harsh grave,
I fight your madness, hate's pallor!.
Once close, we've drifted through darkness,
Yet, I can tell you've missed me, too!.
Numb, I start feeling less and less,
For the warm tears wasted on you!.
Still connected, loved 'til this day,
I will scream with you from our pyre!.
Your dark ocean evaporates,
As our bond is erased by fire!.
Please tell me what you think!.!.!.it's a new type of idea for me, so try to help me improve my ability to explore new stuff!. To clarify, this was about losing a best friend, not a boy!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
Harsh criticism is so tedious!
I had to use my english skills to critize this one, instead of what I felt, that makes the following seem somewhat harsh!. This poem is not as good as it appears up close, as it does from far away!. The connection to the flow made me illuded!.
So dark, the ocean's black silence, (Perfect)
Devours my sight, dimmed by the cold!.
*(Your sight is dimmed by the cold!? If you're the one who being dimmed by the cold, you need a whole new sentence here!. That addition may ruin your poem's syntax!.)*
I must live to become blanced,
by the cruel waters of your soul!.
*(Cringe!. 1!. Living to become balanced is iffy, learning to become blanced makes more sense!.)*
Blind, I've struggled to mount these waves,
White caps tainted by deaths colours!. (This is not a proper-clause!. Use with, before the word white, and listen to how it sounds!.)
Scared to submit to this harsh (<word of the day!?) grave,
I fight your madness, hate's pallor!. *(Good!. I think you need a semi-colon after madness, but I'm not positive!.)
Once close, we've drifted through darkness,
yet, i can tell you've missed me, too!. (You can't claim that this person missed you after the word yet, and the before, in this sentence!. It makes sense, but is bad english!. Get rid of yet, and then replace the comma with a period!.)
Numb, I start feeling less and less,
For the warm tears wasted on you!.(For indicates you feel less and less of the warm tears!.)
The rest isn't held with in the same theme you first used!.
Your over-all plot was flimsy!. The words sparked flares, written together, but like I've written, didn't give me enough imagery, and were semi-chaotic!.
This is a true expression of yourself tradegy, and your emotions through it all!. I like that fact!.
I give this poem a
Tenuous 6!.2Www@QuestionHome@Com
this is a good poem, but the words don't rhyme very well!. It sounds like they do, but really, if you read it over, you can hear they don't!. Its very poetic and very well written!. Just keep the beat steady and keep the poem flowing smoothly!. And double check to make sure the words rhyme!. Try to find a website that helps with rhyming words!. Good job :)Www@QuestionHome@Com
I picture the Vikings set on fire and then out to sea!. This poem needs no criticism, harsh or otherwise!. The imagery is fine, you have full and half rhymes, and the meter is also fine!. Please continue to write and post your work!. It is a pleasure to read your poetry!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
ACK!! You missed a perfect 8 meter by one, measley line!.!.!.depending on how you count syllables, that is!.!.!.!.
Line 4, first stanza!.!.!.
Other than that, me thinks there be a good, going on great, in this House of Poetry!!!!
And, good poetry does NOT have to ryhme!.!.!.good onyer!!!Www@QuestionHome@Com
Wow deep you really feel a great loss here!.!.but it also sounds as though you wish to join them in their grave!.!.you were so close!.It's good writing, you get your point across!. sorry this is the best I can do !.Www@QuestionHome@Com
I loved the darkness and sorrow depicted in this poem!. I had to read it a couple of times to fully absorb it but that was easier once I knew what it was about!. It feels quite claustrophobic (in a good way) and does a good job of conveying a real sense of loss!. I would like to read some of the verse you were doing before you took this daring but ultimately successful step in a new direction!. As for a title, how about 'Waves on troubled water' or 'Depths of those now departed', something like that!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
I guess the way I can help you is maybe with the title of your poem! This is more my fortay, right now, I used to write free style, but now am trying to learn other methods of writing!
Your poem sounds wonderful to me just the way it is, but I am not an authority on it, so will leave that to people who are!
Possible titles for your poem
Voice Of Silence
Depth's Silence
Ocean's Voice
Silent Door
Ocean's Floor
The Swift Silence
Bittersweet Silence
Ocean's Floor
Void of Voice
Depth's Silence
Silence's Cry
Ocean's Tears
Silent Soul
Ocean's GraveWww@QuestionHome@Com
I did not see your earlier posting!.
This shows the pain you feel quite well!. The ocean's black silence, which devours your sight -- I can well imagine staring out at sea trying to figure out what to do next and suddenly discovering that the day has turned to night!.
"I will scream with you from our pyre!." -- takes the readers to the days when the husband died, the wife died with him whether she wanted to or not!.
You have braided mythology and your dark loneliness together like a thick sailor's rope!.
Well done!.Www@QuestionHome@Com