Is this better or did I ruin it?

Question: Is this better or did I ruin it!?

We are transitory riders
on the
eternal carousel
of time!.

From fleeting
moment to moment!.!.!.
in blurred
ethereal scenery!.

An eloquent reminder
of finite existence
lies in legacies of
those moved forth!.

Waste not
any minute given,
it retaliates with
disappearance!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:

Sher, the word eloquent to me is not needed and seems to read better without it anyway!. Are you happy with it or do you want consensus!? A poem at some point needs to be finished and set free! This can stand on its own now! Nicely said!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

Sher,

The first three stanza's are better (more compact, more full of meaning)!.

In the first two lines of the last stanza, I prefer the original: "Every minute not used is wasted"!. I think what throws me off in the last stanza is the syntax of "Waste not"!. The inversion throws the voice off for me!.!.!.though of course that could just be me!.

The ending is still very strong!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

I didn't see the original!.!.!.!.but, I like this!.

I do not have great knowledge of Emily Dickinson, but to me this seems to echo some of her poems!.

Your opening verse is great!. The line choice isn't arbritary - it places words where greatest emphasis is needed!.!.!.!.and this may be pretentious of me, but it almost gives a picture of a carousel revolving!.!.!.!.imagine some-one saying this verse to a stationary viewer!.!.!.The carousel moves past!.!.!.!."We are transitory riders!.!.!.!.(next pass)!.!.!.!.on the!.!.!.!.!.(next pass)!.!.!.!.eternal carousel!.!.!.!.(next pass)!.!.!.!.!.of time!.
The next verse is strongly Emily!.
Slight hesitation in my reading of next verse, not sure why!.

The last verse is very 'deep' as certain critics have it!. But, it is!.!.!.!.you have to think about it, and then you realise how true it is!.!.!.!.what is that saying 'Procrastination is the thief of time'!? You take it that one step further!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

I did not think you needed better or could find it if you were looking and behold! not better but more! When you get to be sixty four that carousel spins so fast it can throw you if you are not holding on! This is truly a poem written on silk chiffon , thank you, it's glorious!! The images behind the diffusion are still solid in my eyes!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

I saw this this morning, but didn't have time to answer!. I didn't see the first (or did I and don't remember!? It's been like that the past several days!)
Any-hoo, I think it's well written with a very meaningful message, one of which I have been recently reminded!

* A funny side note: Years ago my dentist had a poster on his wall that said "Ignore your teeth and they'll go away!." For some reason the last stanza reminded me of that!Www@QuestionHome@Com

I read your first one and liked it very much, I think either would be okay!. As for Miss P, never saw her around and about before!. Treat YOUR poem as it yours not her's!. And let her go,
she is not worth your energy of kindness, which you always have, don't give that away for her snide remarks!.
Blessings Be!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

Once again, you have favored us with and excellent poem!. You might consider changing, "An eloquent reminder" to "A reminder!." When I read this aloud it sounds better that way and it does not change the meaning!.

Nicely done!Www@QuestionHome@Com

I didn't read your first poem, but I definitely think that this is a beautiful piece of writing!. You use vocabulary that's intelligent, and the poem means something!. It made me think, and I think that's what a poem really ought to be about!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

Anyone who can work "transitory riders" into a piece is worthy of acclaim in my book!. (D's "Book of Nuffin, Muffin and Puffin!.!.!.)
(",)
Wonderful use of language Sher!.!.!.nice one!
Later,
D!Www@QuestionHome@Com

A poem of elegance indeed it was not ruined however your punctuation could use work in the third stanza of this wonderful quatrain!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

This is very nice!. I haven't seen the original, so I can't compare it!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

I know that we are simply passing through this life, this piece captures the ugrency in the message!.!.!. enjoy the here and now!.!.!.well done Sher!!

TemariWww@QuestionHome@Com

I didn't see the first, yet this one speaks volumes about the journey through life!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

I never read the first, but after reading this I never want to become stagnant!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

Random
line breaks do
not a poem

make!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

I like it both ways!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

Indeed!
Well written and true enough!!! Vastly good poem!.!.!.liked and admired!Www@QuestionHome@Com

Philos!.!.!.isn't that a pastry dough!?Www@QuestionHome@Com

It seems a bit pretentious to me!. The vocabulary you use (i!.e!. "finite existence" and "transitory") doesn't sound very poetic to me, at least!. Try to maybe put in some rhymes!.Www@QuestionHome@Com