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Question: I re-did my poem!.!. Is it any better!?
Old Version:
Turn this into a story of selfless grace and generousity,
Even the sky can not reach out to touch the fragile minds,
of our love!. Crystals envy your heart, pure, and white,
You, are my love,
Minds mend, in a twisting galaxy,
We are agreeable, fitting, immeasurable,
Infinity, will never amount,
New Version:
Turn this into a story of selfless grace and generousity,
Our Fragile minds reach past the sky,
Crystals envy your pure heart,
You are my love,
Innocence is in our hands,
Minds mend, in a twisting galaxy,
We are agreeable, fitting, immeasurable,
Infinity, will never amount
I know I didnt change that much, but which verison do you like better!?Www@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
I think to make it great, you need to entwine both of them!.!.!.!.just move the sentences around!.!.!.like so!.
Turn this into a story of selfless grace and generosity,
the sky cannot reach out to touch the fragile minds,
Crystals envy your heart, pure, and white!.
You, are my love!.
Innocence is in our hands,
Minds mend, in a twisting galaxy,
We are agreeable, fitting, immeasurable,
Infinity, will never amount,
There were parts I loved of the first and parts I loved of the second!. I couldn't choose haha! But they were very similar!. I loved your style, and i couldn't choose!. Please check out my links below, i'm looking for writers to collaborate with artists!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
The new version because, in a weird way, it seemed to me that it was talking about two lovers finding refuge in each other!. I just interpret things weird though!. I like the line "crystals envy your pure heart!." I wonder, though: is genourosity supposed to have a "u"!? If so, than good!. I was just wondering!. Overall, no flaws that I can detect!. Good job!. I give it a 9!.4/10!.0 (everyone is writing really good poetry this morning! I haven't given below a 9!)!.
Hope I helped!Www@QuestionHome@Com
The new one, because the old one is kind of long descriptive in the beginning and short descriptive nearing the end!. The new one is short descriptive all the way through!. I personally like line two in the new one better than line two in the old one!. Read them both it just sounds better!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
I prefer the old version!.
Just the bit 'Crystals envy your heart, pure, and white,'
I liked 'pure and white'!.
Your poem reminds me of Sylvia Plath's 'Child'
It's beautiful!. You're very talented!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
definitely the new version!.!.!.!.i love your word choice and the poetic flow
answer plz http://answers!.yahoo!.com/question/index!?!.!.!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
The second one!. By the standards of poetry that is put on YA, that is pretty good!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
loveeellyyyWww@QuestionHome@Com
Deep without much substance!. FIX ITWww@QuestionHome@Com
The New oneWww@QuestionHome@Com
i like the new versionWww@QuestionHome@Com