Position:Home>Poetry> May I please have this poem critique?
Question: May I please have this poem critique!?
I wrote this the other night!.!.and I would like some constructive critisism please!
My how the air I breathe is crude!.!.
As I dwell in solitude!.
Upon the shore
A silver shore of an ocean empty
The phantom water pulls her in
Further into the sea!.!.
Stealing another one!.!.!.an angel loved by me!.!.!.
And the moonlight views the sorrows
of another one that leaves
Lost into unforgiving tide
My grasp is broken from her side!.
Why must these hands forever slip!?
From my tender loving grip!.!.
In night the angel flies away!.!.
Morning's dawn brings me yet another lonely dayWww@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
I would leave out the sentence "Upon the shore"!.
I understand what you are trying to do, but the second sentence also has "silver shore" So I would either change one or the other!.
The last sentence remove the word "yet"!.
Very impressive! You paint a beautiful picture with your words, I like it a lot! I have taken a ton of college writing courses including poetry!. So, keep up the good work!.
I like that you ended it as you did, perfectly long enough!.
Good poetry is very hard to write because emotion is the driver!.!.!.and "feelings" can be tough to share sometimes!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Lovely metaphor!.
I think you should tie in the line "a silver shore of an ocean empty" with the rest of the sentence!. "empty ocean" sounds better!.
"Lost into unforgiving tide" !.!.!. "drawn by the remorseless tide"
As you are speaking of different hands, perhaps delete "these"
Last lines should shut like a lock!.
"Dawn brings another lonely day!." keeps the meter!.
Just some ideas for places to play with!. It's really nice as is!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
That is really good
I think it is really meaningful
and that you should keep up the work
If you ever write more you should post them or send them to me, I love good poetry it's just lately I haven't read any lately so if you could that would be greatWww@QuestionHome@Com
should it be "My,"
it's a very good poem, very nice choice of words!.!.!.!.
please continue to make more!
"why must these hands forever slip!?
from my tender loving grip"
very nice line!
goodluckWww@QuestionHome@Com
this is great!.!.!.!.!.!.!.may i only suggest !.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.in night the angels float away!.!.!.!.!.!. "angels" plural, because you mentioned 2 previously and "float" to keep with the ocean theme!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
WOW:] That is beautiful and amazing, just beautiful and dark and deep!. You are very gifted!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
continued!.!.!.!.!.
suddenly I take a bite
captain crunch is dynomite
2 cups of coffee no cream
throw a plate opa!
let off some steam
play some poker
lots of fun
it's like Christmas
arapa pa paamWww@QuestionHome@Com
i write poems from deep inside and i must say this poem is beautiful with meaning and seems very deepWww@QuestionHome@Com
This is intriguing!. I'd like to see more of your work!.Www@QuestionHome@Com