Position:Home>Poetry> I wrote a Father's Day Poem for My Late Dad. Editing suggestions are welcome
Question: I wrote a Father's Day Poem for My Late Dad!. Editing suggestions are welcome!.!?
So, he's gone, but hey, it's father's day, and it's not like I traded him in!. This poem is a bit choppy and I'm wondering if I should go with a more structured format and scrap the attempts to change back and forth between random rhyming patterns!. It's also a bit hard to follow I think, but to contextualize it for you, imagine me as an 18 year old girl wandering down a gravel road atop a cliff at night overlooking the ocean from an arbitrary precipice atop a mountain of sorts!. In it I express my concern, being an agent of nature (my father's biological elements still partially constituting me), and of nurture, (my father's raising me to seventeen before his passing, and therefore still a part of my personality influencing), that I am somehow obligated to live on for him; as if I owe him something for having existed!. In reality, I'm a 33 year old man, and my dad is doing just fine!. I just like to toy with concepts alien to me for fun in poetry!. Any advice on formatting!?Www@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
Since you have a varied rhyme scheme, and a few of your rhymed lines are overly contrived, here's what I'd suggest: dump the contrived lines, the inverted word orders used to force the rhyme, and just let those lines be unrhymed for now!. Then reformat your poem so it's in open verse!. How!? Open verse, differing from Free Verse, doesn't have to rhyme, but it has a rhythm and consistent beats per line!. Establish a specific set of beats per line, then simply run your poem so it fits into that format!. If the lines rhyme at the end, great, if not, also great, because then you'll have internal rhymes that flow naturally!.!.!.and the lack of rhymes in some cases, and back to back rhymes in others, will only add to a feeling of accidental rhymes as opposed to contrived ones!. I'm not sure you came off as an 18 year old girl, but the questions were at times very insightful!.!.!.in fact, I'm not sure you'd have to write the poem from the perspective of a father that's departed!.!.!.I think your questions are equally valid from your own point of view!.
!.!.!.that's what I'd suggest for formatting and editing!.!.!.and keep writingWww@QuestionHome@Com
No this poem need no formatting because it is yours feelings and a good creation !.I am a girl from india and have also written lots of poem for my late dad[papa]I am 24 now ,I suggest you pls don't share yours feeling because nobody understand u ,i because i miss my dad or i have the same feeling like uWww@QuestionHome@Com
I don't have any advice - I love it and I envy your creativity! I'm really glad I stumbled upon this - I'm not a frequent visitor to the poetry forum - my father has been gone for 32 yrs!. now and I can relate to 'her' feelings and questions!.!.!.but I was 7 when he passed!. I admire your ability to 'toy with concepts alien to you' awesome!. and thanks!Www@QuestionHome@Com
The opening 'toenail bit' doesn't seem to fit comfortably with the remainder of the poem!. And sometimes your rhyming seems a bit desperate (the toad reference) but, there were heaps of things in this I enjoyed reading!. I am a lover of rhyming, I have to admit and when I read something which flows well I love it!.
I don't understand these two lines
I cannot dissever (!?) whatever he was!.!.!.(I like the echoing rhyme)
It's seen it what the human I am daily does!.!.!.!.!.edit needed
I am too idle to go over the many little places which need tightening up, but I'm sure if you put this on one side and revisit it you will find them yourself!.
Be a bit harsh with yourself, and cut it down to a more manageable size!.!.!.!.unlike the Victorians who read poetry of a mammoth length - we 21st Century citizens like our poetry in bite-size chunks!.Www@QuestionHome@Com