Will you offer critique on my poem inspired by Jeff and the book "The Last

Question: Will you offer critique on my poem inspired by Jeff and the book "The Last Lecture"!?

I bought the book, just finished it, loved it!.!.!.it (and Jeff's posting earlier) inspired this:

We are but transitory riders
on the eternal carousel of time!.
Fleeting from moment to moment
in the blurred ethereal scenery!.

An eloquent reminder of its worth,
is the legacy of those moved forth!.
Every minute not used is wasted,
for it retaliates with disappearance!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:

There are several stilted phrases in the first stanza, and piling them, one atop the other, weakens the impact for me!. But the last line alone makes this poem work so well!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

Sher, I love a lot of what you are doing here!. This has solid content and sets a mood very well!.

A few comments for your consideration:

L1: You may be able to cut "but" without losing anything!.

L1-2: I really love this opening!. Carousel makes me think of either reincarnation or the idea of repeating the same events over-and-over it also works very well to set up the images in L3 and L4!.

L3: I am not a stringent grammarian but Fleeting has been used here as a verb when it is in this case an adjective!. Maybe just transpose the first two words: From fleeting moment to moment!.!.!. or use repetition: From fleeting moment to fleeting moment!.

L4: You can cut "the"

L5: I wasn't sure what you were getting at with "of its worth"!. It felt like it could be condensed if you wanted too!.!.!.maybe by cutting "of its worth" and pulling "the legacy" up!.

L7-8: Very interesting and well-done thought here!. You could cut "for" on L8!.

I liked this a lot!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

No book!.!.!.!. sorry Jeff, I will look for your work later!.!.!.!.
but this poetry good!.!.!. beats a path to my door !

I am still having trouble digesting "the stoneheart " question!.!.and his apology !.!.!. I got to it late and asked for an apology before I saw the actual withdrawal!. A small useless and unimportant example of the real potential importance of wasted time!.

many many years ago I wrote as an example of irony for a Lit class:
Explosion versus Implosion

If the best poems
are the ones forgotten
are, Yeats, Keats and Donne
Shakespeare, Lewis Carrol and Tennyson but
mediocre underachievers!?Www@QuestionHome@Com

I love your concluding line!. The entire poem is so visual, "the eternal carousel of time," as though there is no beginning and no end!. You have done an outstanding job this time!.

EDIT: Todd has given examples of how to make every word in a poem meaningful!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

This is a style which,
while begs emulation,
I am detached from,
and yet I am an avid admirer of beauty!.

Thanks, sher, beautiful poem, eloquent words which show a little bit of your truly beautiful and poetic soul!. Great job!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

Awesome!!!!
What this is saying is really great!.
I really like the minute retaliating for being wasted by disappearing, never to return!.!.!.!.!.!.!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

It is delightful!

transitory riders <--- love this line

blurred etehereal scenery <------ perfection -time goes so fast we miss the best parts

Stunningly well done!
T!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

Brava! This is what I consider to be a elegant poem; concise, profound and beautiful!. You deserve this star!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

Very nice Sher, "Eternal carousel" so true!. Kudos!Www@QuestionHome@Com

Todd's edits are correct to me and well done!. This would make your poem even more special! Congrats!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

Short and sweet!. Very nicely said!. I like it!.Www@QuestionHome@Com