Position:Home>Poetry> I started this earlier, and now I don't know where to go with it. Suggestion
Question: I started this earlier, and now I don't know where to go with it!. Suggestions!?
Maybe I was mistaken
maybe you didn't understand
I thought it was clear to you
when you saw the ring on my hand
A promise I made to another
so this ends here,
no, you won't change my mind
with another round of beer
I really have to admit,
you have what it takes
a weaker man in my shoes
could easily make that mistake
Starring into those baby blues
enchantrace with your dance
the way you walk, the way you talk
he wouldn't stand a chance!.!.!.
ok I like to write from all points of view, so as you can tell this is a guy's point of view, would this sound better as a poem or a song!? what do you think!?Www@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
You have done too well to ask us!. As a novice I will add some suggestions!.
Adding to and taking away from Anons comments!.
2nd!. verse, 2nd line try: this woman I hold so dear!.
There is no doubt that she has bought him a beer, or at least he's had one!.
Spelling already noted!.
Third verse, do not change weaker man!. It is not any man!. It is the weaker man whom would yield to temptations!. He should know that!. Some men because of their principals will not yield, no mater what some think!.
This might work for the last verse:
Listen to me pretty woman
I’d really like to sit alone
Look in your little black book
And call a friend on the phone!.
Love the poem!. Think lines and poem too short for a good song!. I write lyrics and compose music!. Mainly, Southern Gospel!. But like I said, I'm not the best critic, yet! LOLWww@QuestionHome@Com
Wonderful
It talks about what happens when
messages are misunderstood,
That is a daily conflict
The next line is about making promises
but will not change the mind
this is like making decisions
That is a poem!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
i thought it was a song at first, so I guess it would be better as a song!. I hope you like country, because that's what came to mind!. it tells a story and will probably end with them not being together, which would make it a perfect country song!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
I vote for poem and sure did likey very much
Laura B, but then again also could see where it could be kind of a country song too!
Good Job!Www@QuestionHome@Com
GREAT JOB! Poem or song will do!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Poem!!!
It was AMAZINGWww@QuestionHome@Com
I liked the first stanza and in general the aim of the poem to show steadiness towards a promised heart even though being tempted!.
In the 2nd stanza, the second line, does not read too well!. Try something else!.!.!.like "I won't break here!.!." I assume the "you" already had one "round of beer" and the lady in question is trying to tempt "you" with another "round of beer!."
The 3rd stanza - why weaker man!.!.!. why not any man!.!.!.
4th stanza has spelling errors!. Staring (single r) and Enchanted by (not enchantrace with)
Don't get discouraged, continue writing and read and re-read the lines to see it makes poetic sense!. All the best!.Www@QuestionHome@Com