PLEASE critique my poem!!!??

Question: PLEASE critique my poem!!!!?!?

I post a lot of poems that are usually "alright" and I really feel I have to press past that!. This is a poem I wrote that I don't think I even comprehend that well so any thing you want to say say it!. I am also 13 so it's not like I've been working for years to produce some sort of poetic masterpiece!. also if you've ever read my poems I don't tend to name them, and this is no exception!.

I search for the door round and round
I have looked for centuries and still not found
The one thing I want, the one thing I need
Gnawing at the dreams I do feed
I will never find this place because
This beautiful treasure never wasWww@QuestionHome@Com

Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:

I liked this, and I think a rhyme is harder to do, and more rewarding to get a good poem!. First, beware of wasted poetic opportunities like "round and round"!. They will come out, cause that's how our brain works, but then try to change them to something a bit more interesting sounding!. You have a lot of talent and an inventive brain!. In this poem, you have a door, then a place, then a thing you need, then a treasure!. Try:

Centuries of wanting and searching and yearning
To find the door!. Gnawing dreams are burning!.
Dreams that compel but do not feed
This wanting and this searching need!.
I will never find this place because
This beautiful treasure never was!.

Not great poetry, but hopefully you get my drift!. Don't know if this helps, but it might be food for thought!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.If not, That's OK too!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

Just remember that rhyming is not your goal!. Poems are an art form!. The rhyming will take care of itself!. You put what you think is best out there!. And worst comes to worst you can tweak it after, but only after you've said what you want to say!.
Margaret Atwood is a great example!. Look for her poem "Marrying the Hangman"!. Written entirely in prose!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

brillant!. a poem can rhyme and still be beautiful!

it seems to me, people are so set on being different, that the 'norm' [such as rhyming] is shunned!.

but i love the meaning conveyed!. short and sweet, and the way the lines 'i will never find this place beacuse, This beautiful treasure never was' flow quite nicely

good work !Www@QuestionHome@Com

Not bad for a 13 year old!. You need to forget what they taught you at school about how poems have to rhyme, though!. You rhyme scheme seems forced, and adds nothing to the value of the poem!. Try free verse!. Read some poems by Walt Whitman (possibly the greatest American poet of all time)!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

hmm!.!.!.thats pretty good so far!.!.i think you need more to it though!.!.!.!.and you dont always have to ryme your sentences!

**remember this!!
---when you are writing!.!.!.you want the someone to see it!.!.and you dont always want people to understand it, but is best for you to know it!Www@QuestionHome@Com

The first three lines sound totally amazing and in tune, but the 4th 5th and 6th need some more syllables, they sound out of place!. But you've got the right concept and all!.

You definetely have the potential!. I love it overall!!Www@QuestionHome@Com

I like it!. You should add a few more stanzas though!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

WOW! exilant i like the whole thing and it creates such a vivid picture in my head!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

I WOULD SUGGEST THAT YOU USE "SHE" IN PLACE OF
"I" AND RELATE TO HER!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

I have been writing poetry kinda similar to yours since I was around 12 and I am 17 now!.!.!.I am not an expert or anything near that but I can give you a few pointers in the right direction!.!.!.

1!. Poetry is a form of expression, there is not always a set style, and doesn't always and will not always make since because, it is usually not a direct idea or thought but, a personal symbol of something else!.

2!. It kinda seems that you are trying really hard to rhyme each line instead of focusing on what you are trying to project!.!.!.every word is important in writing so try not to throw stuff in just so it will rhyme!.!.!.(I have this issue)!.!.!.

3!. Another issue I always have is that I tend to screw up the tense!.!.!.you seem to have changed the tense in line 1 and then in line 2
!.!.!."I search for"!.!.!.&!.!.!."I have looked for"!.!.!.you can try "I have been searching for"!.!.!.&!.!.!."I have been looking for"!.!.!.instead!.!.!.just an opinion though

4!. Line 4!.!.!. maybe try!.!.!. "that has been gnawing at the dreams I do feed"!.!.!.I like the awkwardness and the fact that it will make people think!.!.!.but it is also an example of #2!.(rhyme)

I hope I helped you!.!.!.feel free to email me if you have anymore poetry stuff you would like to discuss!. Good Luck!Www@QuestionHome@Com

Previous generations - and not that long ago - by the time they were 13 had mastered some of the great works of literature in the original Greek and Latin!. In so doing, they learned that poetry relies to a HUGE extent on allusions to other, often older poems!. You need to read more poetry - the good stuff - NOT the rhyming pap they give you in school these days but the real stuff with meat on its bones - so to speak!. Something to chew on - something that addresses the Big Things that happen to us as frail mortals!. Get with Dylan Thomas, Robinson Jeffers, e!.e!. cummings, T!.S!. Eliot, John Donne, Petrarch - search their work like you would a new band, looking for the song that's just right, that grabs you by the throat and won't let go!. When you confront the good stuff, it will humble you!. If you find you can't turn away, it may improve you!. No idea why your teachers starve you to death!. Don't allow it! Demand better reading lists! If your heart yearns for poetry, go get the good stuff right away! Start here http://pokerpulse!.com/news/viewtopic!.php!.!.!.

There is nothing wrong with your rhyme!. You have a good sense of it!. It's content you lack - there is no central image - no actual search for anything - no sense of journey and what the heck does this mean -

Gnawing at the dreams I do feed
- huh!?

How do we get from gnawing at things you FEED (not dreams, surely) to a beautiful treasure that never was!? No logic! So it says nothing!.

Poetry is a discipline that requires study and practice!.

The strongest image you have here is of something or someone gnawing at something - what or who's gnawing and at what!? Follow it through and see what you get!. Gnawing is a great verb - it implies a slow erosion rather than making a meal of the thing!. Work with it!. You'll come up with something better!. Write what you know, where you've been!. Forget the beautiful treasure!. What did you do last night!?Www@QuestionHome@Com