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Question: Poem for Invisible Children!?
So I learned about child soldiers in Africa and other countries at school!. Recently I saw a video on Youtube and it inspired me to write a peom!. What do you think!?
I try to run away!.
Run far, run fast!.
I want to escape to my happy place!.
But I lack the address!.
Does one such place even exist!?
In this cold, harsh reality
The happiest place would be a surreal mist!.
Abducted without my consent!.
Displaced!.
Orphaned by the war and the hungry men!.
Bound at my feet and knees!.
Forced to complete their atrocities!.
I am the victim of this gruesome crime!.
But I’m seen as the culprit in other’s eyes!.
And where is the world when I’m in need!?
They turned their backs to watch TV!.
It’s easier than doing anything!.
And I pray each night for some getaway!.
When my eyes close tight, it’s the safest place!.
But even here I’m haunted by their angry eyes!.
Driven to insanity with their deranged lies!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
This has no air of reality - sounds phoney baloney!. Logic problem: It will probably be a long time before a child in these circs recognizes that what's happened is wrong!. Kids in trauma seek ways to make what's happening / what they're being forced to do either OK by taking on some horrible persona or by zoning out utterly!. There is no mention anywhere in your poem of the one person all children cry for when they're stressed or hurt - mama!. What's needed here is empathy!. Do some research!. Find out how kids in these circs actually talk about their experience!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
but my praing goes unanswered by the nightmares that I get because Iam inviseble ubducted without my concent:(Www@QuestionHome@Com
Very well written!Www@QuestionHome@Com
Okay, I'm of two minds:
First, any poem that the poet is willing to share is a joy and a wonder!. It's like a proud parent who is taking their child out into the world for the first time!. I both respect it and cherish the experience!. Thank you!.
Second, this is more objective, and from the perspective of an English teacher, but by no means intended to be taken as a personal criticism!.
The first and fourth stanzas struck me as a bit awkward!. Reading the second and third, they do not seem to fit!. Just sort of out of place to me!. I can see how the first was necessary in the development of the poem, but I suggest cutting them out and letting the poem stand as the second and third stanzas only!.
The second and third stanzas are powerful!. "Powerful" isn't even a strong enough adjective!. I guess powerful in a Big Bang sense!. The imagery made me whisper "wow" and tugged at my heart!. Poetry should be experienced, at least initially, on an emotional level, and these two stanzas do just that!.
Keep the whole for yourself!. Think of it as a baby picture of this your child, the poem, but let the child grow!. Let your poem be what it is and should be!. Please!?Www@QuestionHome@Com