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Position:Home>Poetry> Please Critique: Insomniac's Vacation?Question: Please Critique: Insomniac's Vacation!? Insomniac's Vacation
By Victoria Tarrani (aka Tori / zephyr) (? 0110!.13) What is sleep but the time when the soul is free to wander without the confines of the relic!? Are the memories gathered each day the seedlings to rejuvenate a stranger who meanders through our realm!? Possibly!. Dreams reveal the journey of our soul!. Awaken, breathe deeply, walk, no, run, for these hours belong to the flesh!. Perhaps!.Www@QuestionHome@Com Best Answer - Chosen by Asker: The second stanza is exceptionally lovely!. The words `meander' and `stranger' resonate well with dreams and with each other; but `!.!.!.seedlings/to rejuvenate a stranger' is an awkward metaphor!. `Realm' adds to this confusion, because mind-as-kingdom is a different line of thought from that which you have pursued so far, however compelling in this context!. `Forests' in place of `realm,' for example, might be metaphorically more harmonious; but this fatally loses the depth of meaning in `realm!.' I think it may be helpful to think about how to conjoin the `realm' and the `seedling' lines of thought to bring unity to this stanza!. `for these/hours belong/to the flesh' is the gem of the next long stanza!. The rest inclines me a little bit more to ambivalence!. `Walk,/no, run' is a slightly trivial exhortation!. `Dreams/reveal the journey/of our soul' says little more, prosaically, than the vision of `meanders' has already accomplished, but causes confusion by invoking the `royal we' from `our realm' in a context too personal to apply it!. (I understand you are probably using `soul' universally, without the pedantry of a plural; but this construction still causes me confusion!.) The meaning of what you write after `Awaken,' is a bit obscure to me!. I find it more beautiful to interpret as `awaken into sleep;' for `these/hours belong/to the flesh' is only pretty if it refers to dreaming; moreover, sleep is `the insomniac's vacation!.' I like to think the purpose of `Possibly' and `Perhaps' are to convey this obscurity, but I risk being quite wrong!. To me, they are not extremely informative sign-posts, and their dubiety is of a different quality than the ambiguousness of dreams!. If I have misinterpreted them, however, I hope you will rather forgive than heed this critique too much!. I apologise if my comments are off-base; except for insomnia itself, this is not a genre or form of poetry with which I have much familiarity!. Edit: `Relic' is exquisite, in the first stanza, for `body;' but the rest of the stanza does not serve it so well, particularly in that it does not concord much with `confines!.'Www@QuestionHome@Com A few very, very minor suggestions: S2, L3: Consider cutting "the" S3: Consider cutting the period after possibly!. It seems to work better without the hard stop as you clearly mean it to play off S2 and S4!. S4, L8: Consider cutting "for" S5: Consider again cutting the end punctuation after perhaps to leave things open!. Most of these suggestions are merely style choices and not intrinsically better than your choices!. I do like what you've done here, and hope that if anything the feedback will give you some ideas to reflect upon!. Best, ToddWww@QuestionHome@Com A good light poem that I can identify with!. The only word I have a little trouble with is "relic!." If you are suggesting we are relics, that's probably not a bad observation, but you might consider a more universally applicable word--perhaps "cranium" or even "skull!." Maybe I have missed what you are trying to communicate here!. The rest of it--all of it, really--is a very fun read and an interesting idea!. The difference between the way you and I write poetry is that I have to practically be on the verge of a traumatic collapse to get good ideas to flow!. You seem to do it as easily as I would draw a glass of water from a faucet!. I am a bit envious!.Www@QuestionHome@Com It is 5:00 AM and I have been here for more than one hour!. I can easily relate to your poem!. A few (very minor) suggestions: In S1, you use "the" four times!. Definite articles detract from your message!. Try instead to eliminate them or to use a stronger word!. You might also eliminate or reduce punctuation in S3, since you have only end punctuation in S1 and 2!. After "Perhaps" I would use an ellipsis (!.!.!.) to illustrate continuation of the journey, but that is a personal preference!. Finally, I wonder at the varying lengths of the stanzas!. Do they convey a message I am not receiving!?Www@QuestionHome@Com The first Stanza is a good personification!. the second is my favourite - gathered each day the seedling to rejuvenate!.!. - great imagery!. The last is not in the same league as the first two, though I am not an expert!. It just seems to run a little fast!. your words flow with grammarian expertiseWww@QuestionHome@Com I'm lousy at poetry--both writing and critiquing!. The one thought I had was the same thing I say in the dream interpretation section!. I believe dreams have meaning and are a way of tapping into the subconscious!. They are freedom from our earthly confines and limitations though!.Www@QuestionHome@Com I really like this poem, and I like Todd's suggestions for edits!. I really have nothing to add after reading his edits!. I love this poem, the message and the idea is one I can certainly relate to and I love the words you used thoughout!Www@QuestionHome@Com Great use of words! Very thought provoking and powerful! Encore!!Www@QuestionHome@Com The only thing I can say is publish it, GREAT, keep em coming!.!.!.Www@QuestionHome@Com I think it's just fine the way it is!.!.!.thanks for sharing!.Www@QuestionHome@Com |